Do you make a left turn into self-discovery?

You have arrived at a roundabout. Turn right to party hard; having no need for responsibilities or being accountable for your actions.

Go straight ahead to continue along on the same journey, maintaining the status quo. Or make a left turn to the path of self-discovery.

Okay so that is not exactly how it happens. But once you hit this self-development route there are only two options. You do nothing at all.

This choice leaves you with a whole lot of unanswered questions and possibly a tormented mind. Life can even become stagnate, if it is not already.

The second option is to take action. A mild word of caution, the beginning has the potential to disrupt our lives and create havoc.

Self-development is about examining ourselves for improvement. And this is where we can be left a little shaken up or even devastated by some of our flaws. And if you thought short cuts was going to get you there (I did) another rude awakening is on its way.

We may have to muster up every good quality we possess to see us through the following stages. Embrace the positives because this path is going to give you a roller coaster ride, leaving you breathless, stunned and a little excited.

As you are flying through the air at a fast speed wondering will this ever stop.  All the while your belly feels a though it has taken up residence in your mouth.

Honing in your skills and working on yourself. The benefits outweigh the immediate discomfort. Although there is a gutsiness in shining a light on your own imperfections.  Taking the opportunity to improve. The biggest challenge I have ever faced is my explosive temper.

This behaviour is a known family trait, passed on from one generation to the next. I am not attempting to use the blame game for my actions. I am far too old and proud to say, “mummy made me do it”. I own my behaviour.

My past constantly highlighted this bad temper, resolved absolutely nothing. But it does keep people at a distance; due to lack of trust. I gained a reputation as a loose cannon due to my unpredictable nature.

It can ruin relationships. However the biggest surprise was when I realised I did not like people losing their temper at me.

There were countless reasons for becoming angry. I felt threatened, so I would use rage to keep a person at bay. Or, I would feel like things were not in my control. And there are varying other reasons.

But in these last three sentences alone, there are so many issues that require work. If that were not enough reason to look for change then I don’t know what is. This has been a twenty year struggle. But I have never been one to pass up on hard work.

I was at the starting gates of temper. Over the years I have collected a number of strategies to overcome fury. What happened naturally was I became comfortable in my own skin. Now that did not require strategies. That became a lived in experience.

After years of applying one approach after another, I no longer had to, well in most cases anyway. Once I realised I had a choice in how I handled anyone situation – things changed.

Have you heard the strategy that says, ‘count to ten, when you are about to lose your temper?’ Well that never worked for me, because I would get to ten in a second and then let it rip. I had to try this approach in order to know it was not for me.

So learning to refrain from exploding into fits of rage took many failed attempts but as I got better at it, there were many successes. One could say I have had many years to perfect this.

I took up silence as a strategy. When there is really nothing nice to say, keep it zipped. Another approach was to choose my wars. Questioning, is this really a war I wanted to be a part of?

A meditation retreat I attended – gave me another tool. When a person wants to share a bad mood, you mentally put your hand up in the air and say, ‘I don’t want your gift’.

While I share my biggest life hurdle I want to show that these stages do not just apply to my situation alone. Here are a few examples of how our world can be rocked, once our mind has been awakened.

Could you imagine thinking you were in love with your partner? This new learning phase has alerted you to the relationship area of your life?

Emphasising the negatives and why it is a difficult relationship. However you came across this information (reading a book, seeing your relationship played out on a TV screen or doing a course) is not all that important. But because it makes sense, you realise there are relationship issue you must address. The mind has been stirred. So things must change.

Or you become aware that some of the people in your circles are stifling you. Maybe you are following rather than leading, which means you have not been thinking about your actions, just doing.

And possibly the worst one of all is when you realise that some of your family members think they have your best interest at heart, but this new education shows you otherwise. These can be the most profound moments in our lives and yet we are heading into stormy waters.

So you could say a new process has begun whether you like it or not. The mind refuses to stay where it is. That is what I mean by the start of the path.

Sometimes the awakening of our mind can be so big that nothing will ever be the same again. Whilst in the period of transformation, relationships can be rocked as we are changing our behaviour patterns (our responses to the world).

Our family, friends and associates are familiar with our behaviour; when that shifts it becomes noticeable to those who know as well. This can be an unsettling process for everyone.

I come from a loud Polish back ground. Every conversation could be misinterpreted as us, screaming at one another. However this is nothing more than excitement.

I remember taking a friend to a family lunch and she felt uncomfortable because she thought we were all yelling at one another. This was how we communicated when we all got together.

I have been loud for a very long time. Now add temper and loud together and when you mix the two, I can come across as very intimidating and unapproachable.

I always said five seconds of glory for a lifetime of regret, which was a little harsh.  Although I have lost relationships that were really engaging and therapeutic for me because of this rage. However some people are only passing through your life as a lesson, they were never sticking around.

As I was constantly reviewing my temper, I recognised another valuable skill I had. After a volatile situation was managed, I would dissect the situation moment by moment.

Upon reflection I would sum up where I did well and where additional work was required. Throughout these trial and error years I would either be walking proud or felt beaten by this temper.

Either way I was affected by the outcome. And this area of learning is called the GAP. It is when you find different strategies and begin putting them into practise.

There is a GAP in Self-Discovery.

You are not the expert but the student. Experimenting with change. Getting it wrong, to get it right. It’s a process.

We have learnt about an area in our behaviour that requires an overhaul. We have some new ideas on how to adjust our old ways, however we must wait until a situation arises in order for us to apply these new strategies.

I thoroughly researched anger and one could say I was prepared to apply new knowledge whenever a moment presented itself. There were strategies like counting to ten that simply did not work for me. Although I have seen it work for others.

Just because we try a new approach does not mean we own it. We must test run it first. It is not a part of our tool kit yet.  We don’t know if it is the right fit. There will be methods we embrace and others we discard once we realise they just aren’t for us.

My continual anger management practise kept me riding in this area for many years. Just when I thought I had conquered a hurdle another situation would arise and show me where more work was required.

The gap means finding your way through the storm. With a temper like mine, I was regularly testing new strategies, I became determined – I wanted to unlearn what was learned.

Because we have focused on this part of our lives for a while; when a situation arises we can actually see it coming. It is an area we are prepared for.

The gap is the learning phase that we must go through to come out the other end, transformed. It is only then that things start running a little more smoothly.

Self-Discover & The Confidence Stage

Confidence is the stage we achieve once we have passed through the gap. We become comfortable about this change. We have worked in this area for a long period of time.

We believe in what we are doing and most importantly we trust ourselves. The change has become second nature. When a matter arises in the area where confidence is established, there is no fuss, you handle the matter without it having any affect.

It is not a like or dislike, it is not anger or hysteria. It is neutral. The matter arises you deal with it and you get on with life.

When we begin down this path, we truly are unaware of the amount of work we are going to instill into ourselves. We take this path with our own perception of what it is going to be like, but really until we start the steps we don’t realise that there are twists and turns in our journey.

Just when we think we have nailed a new behaviour or change, chance will throw a spanner in the works and show us just how human we are.

Be grateful for these moments, because this is just making sure our new structure can’t be rattled and if it is – well it just guides us new areas of work.

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