Forgive and forget. Don’t you find it odd, these two words are combined to form a sentence? Life has delivered hardship. An experience forever imprinted in your memory banks. You may become forgiving but you will never forget.
Let’s face it, forgiving others is a tough process. Although the alternative leaves you condemned to replay the torture over in your mind.
Forgiving others is tough. The alternative leaves you condemned to replay the torture over & over. @thedigger0 Share on XYou don’t just wake up one morning reading something on the internet and start forgiving. There’s countless steps one must travel through mentally to let go of the past.
Many an evil have others had to endure as a human[s] unleashes their will over another. Premeditated immoralities, errors in judgement and accidents impact others. Taking years to recover.
- A simple medical procedure goes horribly wrong. Leaves the person in a wheel chair for life.
- A drunk driver kills a child.
- A woman repeatedly brutalised.
- An adolescent molested right throughout their childhood.
- A family selling their child to prostitution, in return for money.
- A prisoner of war tortured for years.
RELATED: Self Empowerment Through Forgiveness.
Time is a great healer. Although there’s no specific recovery period. Some situations take a lot longer to mend. Ignoring or refusing to think about your hardships does not mean you have dealt with it.
Ignoring or refusing to think about your hardships does not mean you have dealt with it. Share on XForgiveness can be a natural process.
The way you feel towards your situation has changed. It does not have the same strength it once held emotionally. The intensity of the past goes from boiling point to simmer. Then it eventually cools down.
You recall the experience without it having the emotional strains it once held. The venom in your voice moves to determination. From there you are able to talk about it.
Feeling a number of emotions towards a situation is normal. Every time you think of the experience;
- You’re raw with anger. How dare they? How dare I? There can’t be a God to allow this to happen.
- Floods of tears run down your face. Overwhelmed with misery and loss.
- Sinking into vulnerability. It’s happened once, it can happen again.
- Moving into the ‘why me’ phase. Victim mentality.
We move back and forward through these stages.
You have to feel it before forgiving.
- The restless depths of rage.
- The endless pain of suffering.
- The poison of bitterness.
- The loss of energy with sorrow.
- The betrayal of trust.
- The mental anguish of life.
- The slow ticking of time when feeling the harshness of a situation.
It’s certainly not healthy to remain stuck in any one emotion. However you must feel all of the above to move forward. Life’s not about staying in one spot emotionally or mentally.
You’ve felt the intensity of these emotions so often you’re sick of feeling this way. It’s time to take steps into another stage. Forgiveness.
- Not to let the instigator/s off the hook.
- Not to allow the situation to repeat itself.
- Not to say, ‘it’s okay’.
Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future. – Louis B. Smedes
Replaying the situation over in your mind, keeps the experience alive. And the perpetrator nearby. You may as well be neighbours. Carrying the past with you.
Forgiving the situation is releasing yourself from the bondage others created. Empowering you to move forward with your life. The severity of your experience is not undermined when you distance yourself emotionally. Taking control of how you spend your thinking time.
The perpetrator forced you into a time, place and situation. You no longer have to be there. The experience left you traumatised. Even reliving the circumstances shook you long after it was over.
Forgiving does not minimise the experience.
Forgiving. It’s time to heal.
The healing process is the period where you face what you have lived through. You don’t step away from it. You look that situation right in the face and explore the feelings. It takes months of recovery. But you do it for you.
- Forgiving a person does not entitle them back into your life. That choice is up to you.
- You get on with your life.
- You’ve become bored. Constantly feeling and thinking over this situation. Now it’s time to press delete when these thoughts attempt to linger.
- You’re not letting anyone off the hook.
- You’re not allowing the situation to emotionally disturb your equilibrium anymore. You get to a place where the perpetrator[s] no longer have the power to live in your brain.
You may understand the theory of forgiveness. Yet the mind and heart won’t let go. This period may require you to exercise discipline over the mind. You have had months if not years spending time reflecting. Going over the situation. Asking the ‘what if’ questions. (E.g. What happens if I had been five minutes early? – What if I had cancelled?)
You’ve been healing. Moving through the grieving process. Your mind is used to going over this situation. It takes time to readjust your thoughts. When the time is right you will let it go.
RELATED: Are you taking anti-depressants to avoid your situation? This posts talks about the moving through the grieving cycle.
Actions that mean you are getting there.
- Some say you are over your past ordeal when you make a joke about it. But some things aren’t’ joke worthy.
- When you can think or talk about your situation in a factual manner.
- You can still become emotionally distressed. However the length of time you remain with the experience is nowhere as long as it used to be.
- When the experience arises in your mind, you start getting annoyed with yourself. You want to stop thinking about it. You have done your time. Intentionally distract yourself. Concentrate on something else.
Work at making the perpetrator[s] and experience non-existent. Forgiving is about taking back your power. That frees you from their wrong doing.
Forgiving is about taking back your power. Share on XTimes when the impact of your experience is heightened.
- Overtired.
- Stressed.
- Avoiding another issue.
There will be days you’re not as strong minded as others. Remembering your experience so vividly. Feeling deeply traumatised again. The old thoughts have come back to haunt you. Taking you back to a mental place where you remained uncomfortable for hours, days weeks, months and even years.
When this happens, allow some time there if you can’t shift your thoughts. Know it to be unhealthy if a day passes and you are still there.
The alternative.
Vengeful feelings. Not being able to move past thoughts of revenge. Being tempted to act with an ‘eye for an eye’ attitude. Totally consumed and tortured by the experience.
He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass. – George Herbert
You constantly play your situation over in your mind. Time passes. One year, two years and still the incident is as fresh with feeling as it was when it happened. You get stuck. Time to reach out and seek help.
Wrapping up.
Life is full of experiences. Not all of them good. Parts of our life left in tatters. Forced to endure the pains others put us through. Periods of time where there was no choice.
It’s healthy to pass through hate and despair. Being disturbed by what you have had to deal with. Sadness is a heavy phase. It can leave you physically drained.
You’ve used every survival skill you could muster to get through the experience. You then had to recover and relive your ordeal. It’s time to move forward.
Forgiveness releases you from having to constantly remain in the situation. It empowers you to stop those thoughts from the past dominating your mind. This doesn’t diminish the harm done.
Forgiving allows you to breathe a little lighter. You can start to recognise you’re healing. Moving away from those constant morbid feelings.
Accepting there will be days where you’re not on top of it. Old thinking habits return. Replaying it over won’t change what you have been through. This is when you shift your thinking and concentrate on other areas of your life.
Forgiving is releasing yourself from the burdens of the past. You deserve it.
Forgiving is releasing yourself from the burdens of the past. You deserve it. Share on XIf you enjoyed this post don’t forget to subscribe. You will receive my free weekly newsletter.
Hi Rachel. 🙂
Forgiveness IS very important.
It helps us to reflect on what happened and learn our required lesson from an unbiased perspective.
I like your description of this whole thing.
One idea could make it better. If you share complete incidents instead of just phrases, the meaning could be much more clear in your examples. 🙂
Like in this instance.
“Going over the situation. Asking the ‘what if’ questions. (E.g. What happens if I had been five minutes early? )”
A complete description would help to understand five minutes earlier for what?… I can probably guess what you mean here. But it would be better if it’s crystal clear. 🙂
Take care Rachel.
Hey Ankit,
We certainly do get knocked around by people and have to go through a process before we think of it as reflecting, to get the lesson in an unbiased perspective. When you are appreciative of the lesson you are getting back to balance, never forgetting what happened, just not allowing it to be the consumer of your mind. Taking back the power. Thanks for the visit.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Wonderful post indeed 🙂
Yes, forgiveness is therapeutic I’d say – without it, we’d be nowhere! However, it’s not easy to forgive, and you do need a generous heart to forgive, no matter what. Sometimes it can become very tough, based on the situation, but if you don’t forgive, how do you move ahead?
More than forgiving the person, it’s a favor we do to ourselves, to relieve ourselves from the pain, hurt, and most importantly the burden we carry lifelong because the memories remain. Yes, time is a huge healer, but somethings tend to remain within, if you don’t let go of them, isn’t it?
Thanks for sharing it with us. Enjoy your weekend! (Loving the pink background color…good you keep trying new things here – way to go!)
Harleena Singh recently posted…5 Steps To Turn Your Blog Posts Into An Online Course
Hey Harleena,
Big smile, when I made changes to my blog, my first thought was you. You’re a wonderful observer and encourager.
Forgiveness is therapeutic. Allowing us to move forward and outside of a situation that may have caused immense heartache. Turning our mind and heart into lunatics for some time. I am a big believer of feeling the full force of a situation when the time is right. However in saying that, I am also an advocate of letting go. To release ourselves. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Letting go can be what saves us.
As I was writing the post, I was feeling pretty lucky. Not from lifes knocks, but my natural process. While I wrote and researched I found some people have to use discipline to ensure they step away from their history. Time heals mine. So I was feeling rather fortunate.
I have seen what not forgiving does. It can change people and keep them bitter. There are many emotions that I can feel and deal with but I find bitterness is deep and dark and left to its own devices can ruin people. Bitterness is very distinct in a voice. And from the little I know of it, it can make people stiff in their actions.
But what can ruin one person can make another sore to great heights. And I am firm believer that nobody gets to knock and keep us down. We do that on our own. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
He Rachel,
Great post, and what a coincidence! I AM working on my “ultimate” forgiveness myself right now. I dug down deeply and wrote down everything that I needed to forgive about others, the world, and myself. I call them “letters to God.” I put them on the mandala, “Forgiveness” which I started to draw a few days ago. I did that because I needed to some tangible action that I can express to myself and the Universe. As I draw the mandala with the intention to release the rage, sadness and hatred so I can change the perception of my past, I feel much lighter and clearer. Also, I feel like I’m in charge of my life. It is very empowering.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
In love & gratitude,
Keiko
Hey Keiko,
Wow, I love how you face and address your past. There can be no backing away when you are doing work like this. You dug down to forgive others, the world and yourself. That’s how I feel about forgiveness. It’s not just about others, its about ourselves too. How we responded, what we took on, how we ripped ourselves short. Had that time been around again it would be completely different because we grew from the experience.
I do hope you are going to share your mandala if its not too personal – I bet it’s extraordinary work. Rage, sadness and hatred are not be seen as negatives unless we harm others and ourselves. They are uncomfortable, but to put them to work into art. Oh my the outcome must be wonderful.
That’s what forgiveness is all about. You are so right. You have empowered yourself by letting go of the past and not allowing it take up residence in your mind. Thanks for an amazing comment.
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
There was a time when forgiveness seemed impossible for me.
I wore being wronged like a badge. What can I say? Being a victim suited me for a while.
As time went on, however, and through a LOT of inner-work, I realized something.
I don’t want to spend my life in feelings of anger and resentment. I just have no interest in being that person. I also have no desire to allow these indivuduals to live rent free in my inner (or outer) world any longer. They don’t belong there.
I think back to those who have caused me harm or distress – and if I’m honest with myself, I can see they were doing what they knew how to do at the time. It doesn’t mean it’s ok, and I wouldn’t have anything to do with them or anyone like them any longer.
But there was a hidden gift in their presence in my life…
They taught me what NOT to tolerate. Had I not had these experiences with such individuals, I wouldn’t have been able to transcend them into something I can use intelligently now – which is to care, very deeply, about myself and therefore, who I will allow into my life (and how I prefer to be treated).
I can honestly say I have no ill will toward anyone I have ever been upset with, and that’s what freedom feels like.
Of course, I’ll never forget, nor will I condone their behavior.
However, I can still see them in my mind’s eye and feel appreciation for the role they’ve played in my growth and wish them well with no lingering feelings of resentment.
As always, great topic Rachel. I think many of us have struggled with this at some point in our lives.
Dana recently posted…Emotional Maturity – Letting Go and Saying Goodbye
Hey Dana,
What a great response and thank you for your honesty. When I read you carried all those who had wronged you like a badge. I immediately thought you were in the healing process. And as you said being the victim suited you for a while. Healing. The why me stage. Mind you in saying that, when you feel it, its a very uncomfortable period when we are questioning the situation. So I am not under minding what you went through. Could just see your healing process as you are very aware of what you passed through.
You are right those who have wronged us show us where our boundaries are. They clear things up for us. They were always the people that were going to pass through our lives but never remain. While they were sorting out where you stood in lessons, you may have left them with a few lessons on how to treat others along the way.
After being dished out with a few of lifes hard knocks we certainly do learn how to nurture and treat ourselves right. So of course we can feel appreciative towards them for the lessons, but never have to have them in our lives again.
Your comment takes me on the journey of forgiveness. Where you paid the price for the lessons to come out of on top unhinged by the experience. Great self reflection and inner work Dana. An impressive way of healing and growing. Really appreciate this comment.
Rachel.
Excellent post Rachel – forgiveness is the key if you want to free up your potential that can take you to different heights. It is a process which enables you to be more creative, mindful and focussed on matters which make a difference in one’s life.
Great reminder – cheers.
Hey Ahmad,
Lifes knocks can take a while to heal. But you are right forgiveness is the key to free the mind. Being consumed by past hurts can clog up the creative process. Or it can ignite a fire that ensure the flame grows stronger and brighter. We have seen some of the best works come out of heart break and sorrow. Books, songs and programs written while people are suffering.
Wanting to make a difference and becoming a voice of what one experienced can help the healing process as well. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Great post, Rachel. Forgiveness is really important in our lives. Some people think that forgiving is something that should never happen especially when they have gone through REAL pain and sad experiences. But the good news is : forgiving others actually allows for peace, and it frees our minds completely from sadness and in some cases depression.. Life has to go on right? That means not forgiving means stopping ourselves from moving forward..& I’m very sure we all want to move ahead in Life. Thanks for sharing.
Emeka recently posted…Meet Kachi Irondi: An exceptional Nigerian ceramics designer pushing the boundaries of innovation
Hey Emeka,
It appears this is the first time out my blog, so welcome.
It’s those people that have been through REAL pain that forgiveness can be the very gift they need. To carry the burden of the past around, does not free a person from it, but keeps you in amongst the ordeal.
We have to allow ourselves to the right to live free and escape the horrors of the past. I could not bare that a human has been through so much suffering to think they would carry it around for years to come. What harm they are causing themselves. Life moves on regardless of whether people are stuck or not. We only have two options. Forgive or be stuck. I know which one I choose and after reading your comment, I pretty sure I know yours too.
Thanks for the comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachael,
Thanks for putting this together. You really are into Psychology or so?
I find that forgiveness is a process and you don’t automatically move from one stage to the other. Time has a lot to play and determination also plays its part.
For our own wellbeing, we need to CHOOSE to forgive.
We can’t really move on in life and exude positivity and be the best of us when we carry unforgiveness around.
It’s something that we need to train our minds to do.
Thanks for sharing, and do have a great week.
Cheers.
Hey Ruth,
It appears its your first time here, so welcome.
Forgiveness takes time. Its not a linear process. You can be angry then sad and go back to angry. And that can happen many times. That does mean we are in a process.
I agree with you Ruth, for our own well being we need to forgive. Forgiveness if for ourselves first. The alternative is to carry a heavy burden for a long period of time.
Knowing when we have to exercise discipline over the mind is when we are bored with replaying the situation over in our mind, but we continue to do so. Then its time take control of the mind. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel
Forgiveness does heal the soul. It helps us to get through the storms of life but the reason why it is necessary to forgive is because we are not perfect.
People do strange stuffs based on how they perceive life. Mistakes are made due to strange beliefs and it is sad that the consequences of holding on to such beliefs affect others.
So as you shared, we must make up our mind to move forward. We must forgive even though it is not an easy process.
Thanks for sharing . Take Care
Hey Ikechi,
There are only two options. Moving forward or remain stuck. What you can get over fast, I may hold onto for a little longer. What you see as strange I may find perfectly normal. So it’s the individual perspective, just like you said.
I agree Ikechi none of us are perfect. We just have to try our best.
Thanks for your comments. Always good to hear your thoughts.
Rachel.
Hello,
The more negative energy we store inside us the more harm it causes to the self! So there should not be any room for grudges and harsh feelings for anyone. The more we forgive the more peaceful our life becomes.
You chose a good topic to discuss. A lot of people out there fins it tough to forgive. I hope they get some motivation from this
Tuhin recently posted…Protect your child from sexual abusers
Hey Tunin
We all go through major upheavals in our lives. Passing through grudges and harsh feelings is natural. Its in the process of healing. It becomes problematic when people get stuck there. We all must feel the full brunt of lifes challenges whether we like it or not.
Its only when we have felt the harsh reality of our situation that we can forgive and become more peaceful. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
To me, forgiveness isn’t about the other persons actions, its about finding peace within myself. Life is too short to let anger suck the life out of me!
Hey Cynthia,
Love your attitude. Life is too short to let anger suck the life out of me. Fabulous statement. Its like you know how to mentally punch the negative out of your mind. Bravo. Thanks for sharing.
Rachel.
Knock on wood…I haven’t really had to deal with this. The closest I’ve come is when, no joke, 8 of my high school classmates/friends died within 3 years. I was so young to lose so many people in such a short time frame. There was no one really to forgive because there was no one to blame, but I was really mad at God for a really long time. Of course as I got older I learned that forgetting became a little easier, but time heals all.
Hey Christine,
I love how you think you skipped out on pain. And yet you had to travel through 8 deaths at such a young age. I bet you can still remember the confusion or how you felt. Maybe even a fear of death for a while. Possibly after a three year period of losing so many people close to you – you can handle most things that come your way. You could not blame anyone, but you would have had to travel through the grieving cycle of lose. Wow – what a tough three years. Thanks for sharing your story Christine.
Rachel.
I really wish I had this post to read several years ago. Forgiveness is not easy but it made me a better person and the situation ended up working out great for all involved. I won’t say that it was easy because I was in pain and hurt for a very, very long time. But I am now a better person and know that forgiveness is key to move on. The one thing I do know is that I won’t let another person hurt me that way again.
Thanks for such great information.
Hey Tammy,
Forgiveness in theory or when we are not hurting is easy to understand. But had someone preached ‘forgive and forget’ or ‘time will heal everything’ whilst you are in the throws of deep pain, you may have wanted to punch them. Forgiveness is a process. Sounds like you can even see the different ways you travelled through your pain to get to the forgiveness stage.
I know you wont let another hurt you like that again. The experience created major growth within you. Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel deeply honoured that you could do that on my blog.
Rachel.
This is such an important post. I think at times it’s hardest to forgive ourselves, even more than others. I usually put the blame on myself, even if it wasn’t my fault. Forgiving myself is something I always work on. I also have to work on the forgetting part, which is not easy either. Thank you for all the advice and tips to make it easier.
Hey Shann,
I so agree. Having to forgive ourselves in a situation can be the toughest. You nailed that. Over the years I really started to allocated responsibility. I only took on what I said or did. I used to be one of those people that would just apologise for any situation and take it on. I got a hold of that. It’s not healthy nor is was I doing myself any justice.
Do you really think you can forget an experience that creates a reaction strong within you? I have accepted that I can consolidate it better. Put it into a box. The down fall of having a good memory is I don’t forget the horrible bits that life has ditched out to me. I always enjoy your sharing Shann. You give me so much to think about.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
As an Aeries, it’s very hard for us to forgive others but once we started growing and getting matured, life is little easy. Through Yoga and meditation, now I have huge transformation in myself and things don’t bother me much now.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful post with us.
Hey Ana,
Sounds as though you have found your balance. I like how you know yourself when you say ‘things don’t bother me as much’. As we get older and go through different degrees of pain we seem to be able to manage a little better. However I am like you, a daily dose of meditation keeps me on track. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel
An awesome post!
Forgiveness is very important in our lives if we want to move ahead. Forgiving frees our mind. It takes away all the sadness and depression. We feel relieved and happy. In a way by forgiving others, we are helping ourselves only. Our mind is liberated from all the bondages.
Not forgiving someone means putting a break in our life only. So move on!
Thanks for sharing!
Sonal Talwar recently posted…9 Healthy Eating Tips from Around the World
Hey Sonal,
Good to see you. Forgiving like you said is about letting ourselves be free. Not repeating the situation over in our mind, torturing ourselves. It’s letting go of the past. Allowing us to move forward. Which is what we all deserve, whether some believe it or not.
There will always be moments of sadness because we’re a emotional roller coaster. We go up an down, but I agree we bring ourselves outside of the depression. Thanks for your comment Sonal.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
First of all, your understanding of forgiving, but not forgetting is a relief to read for me. Forgiveness is not even remotely an instantaneous fix. There isn’t a band-aid that you can put on the hurt to make it better. As you beautifully point out, there are so many emotions we have to go through before we can be at a point where it might not hurt as much.
The idea of treating forgiveness as a way to move forward instead of simply forgetting the wrong done to the other person is a very relieving, yet foreign concept to me. For the longest time I believed that forgiveness was a supernatural act, and that only God could bring about that state in a person’s heart. I do believe that you can ask for the assistance of spiritual forces as you deal with the emotions leading up to forgiveness, but in the end, it does have to come from you.
“Forgiving is about taking back your power. That frees you from their wrong doing.” I think this quote sums up your post so well, in my opinion. It takes time, but we are able to come out the victors of an emotional trauma caused by others, and that’s forgiveness, choosing to not stay in that place of bitterness or anger or sorrow or fear, but to put distance between us and the emotions.
I don’t have to feel guilty if I simply can’t bring myself to forget what someone has done to me. I can simply be thankful that this person isn’t keeping me an emotional captive anymore. And that, Rachel, is how you help people. So, thank you.
Be blessed,
Rylie
Rylie recently posted…How Discovering Truth and the Ocean are Related
Hey Rylie,
Good to see you. I agree the spiritual forces can assist if you are stuck. But even so it is still entirely up to you. A solid belief systems certainly helps.
By the sounds of it Rylie you not only feel pain but observe or have a good memory to reflect on its depths. Which are amazing skills as long as your not doing more observing than feeling. I am an observer and I have to really remind myself that I have to feel it to move past it. As I am a good avoider.
When I hear, ‘get over it’ or ‘are you still there’ its like other people are stating, I declare you emotional pain over. Nobody gets to decide that buy you.
Your right forgivness is taking back the power. It’s saying I am back in control of my thinking. I will decide what to think about and how to feel. We can only get there after we have travelled through so many emotions.
You should never feel guilty for being a thinker or reliving past hurts. But you should be summing up how long you want thoughts to dominate you. When you have declared yourself over a particular situation we have to retrain the mind to focus on other things. This takes a little practice. Thanks for your amazing comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
You always give me a bit more wisdom to chew on in your response, so then I have to respond to your reply. I hope you don’t mind too much. 🙂
I’ve never really thought about being an observer instead of a feeler, but as you’re apt to do, you are pretty precise with this one. It’s hard for me to deal with conflict on an external level, but I never think about the conflict I have within myself.
Someone hurts me badly. I’m supposed to feel things. But, I’ve been told that forgiveness is an instantaneous process. So, this creates a conflict. Observing the way I’m feeling instead of going deep within it seems like a safe bet to me.
I’ve always been proud of the fact that I can just, get over things really really quicly. But, maybe I’m getting over my hurts too quickly and not giving myself time to feel them and process them. It’s really hard to tell sometimes.
Thanks, as always, for your thoughtful response.
Be blessed,
Rylie
Also, there’s no way for me to get replies to comments via Email. Is this just not an option you have on your site? I always have to go back to your posts to check for a response, which is fine, but at times I go longer than I mean to for responding without a reminder like an Email.
Hey Rylie,
Good to see you back on this subject. You can reply as many times as you like.
Okay you free creative thinker, you are at an age where what you were taught to believe and your reality will sometimes differ. Those old rules will feel a little at odds with what you feel and believe. I too was bought up to forgive immediately. Yet it just does not make sense. And we know this because we feel differently. It’s not about being right or wrong, it just does not add up. We are meant to forgive but internally we have a cyclone going on. Theory and feeling run parallel to one another.
So when this happens, question it, write about it. You don’t have the immediate answers. Write what you have learnt and been told. And then write what it feels like. That’s how I get confusion out of the way. But it took me years because I was always confused with the lifes rules that I had learnt, but everything in my mind and body was thinking these rules aren’t what I feel.
Getting over things quickly Rylie means you have been through the same thing a few times and it gets easier with exposure. From what I can tell you have an amazing mind, so you won’t suffer fools for long, you will take on your responsibilities and behaviour but you not prone to take on the responsibilities of others. Your post about getting feedback on your singing. You worked on that. It must have hurt and left a tidy sting, but you worked with the information. You got a valuable lesson from this. So you take things on that you value. Thats important. They have to be what you value.
As life has moved, people aim things at me, they are direct hits, yet I not hindered for a moment or actions of others get evaluated and aren’t my issue. I am really good at owing what I do and dismissing what others aim at me. This is not about getting over hurt but not taking on what others are saying.
Big hurts I have to be careful not to observe as my default from saving myself from the pain. But I get a bit odd when I hurt badly. I go within. I dont want share, I dont talk about it. I have to work on it myself and once I am over it – I can then talk about it. Not before. I know they say its good to talk to people, but I’m afraid when I am hurt I want to evaluate it my way. I don’t want input from others. Its not being hard or bitter. Its my way. I trust it and I’m okay with it. It took me ages to be okay with it.
Hope this helped.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for taking the time to comment once more.
Feeling and theory, being sort of at odds, that really makes a lot of sense to me. As you said, when we grow up thinking we have to feel a certain way, but our actual emotions don’t add up to what we’re told, it can lead to a dissonance inside that can be hard to deal with at times. Writing down what I feel and what I think I am supposed to feel really could be helpful in sorting out what is mine and what is left over from what I was told. I’m glad to know that it’s taken you a lot of time. I definitely want to do this exercise, but I also know that it’s something that will take many years to perfect.
It’s important to take what other’s say and run it through our own value system to see if it’s worth taking on or not. Some things are told to us in the most helpful way, and they have our best in mind, and other things are told as a hurtful gesture. Only those things that I know are coming from a place of good intention do I take in to consideration. If something is an issue that I really do need to work on, but someone tells me in a hurtful manner, I know that someone who has good intentions will let me know, if it is truly of importance. You’re right; when people have said hurtful things, it’s easy to get over them because I know from what place the words are being said.
I’m glad you have come to terms with the way you deal with big hurts in your life. Sometimes I feel like it is important to talk about hurts that are too large to hold in, but that’s not the way for everyone.
Your comments are always so thoughtful and helpful. Thank you. 🙂
Be blessed,
Rylie
Hi Rachel,
I love this statement:”forgiveness is about taking back your power.” How so true! It’s amazing that some people don’t get it. When you forgive; it’s about you and your peace of mind. It’s about you and your mental health. It may be painful, it may be traumatic, but forgiveness is the way out. Of course, we can process all the horrible feelings but decide to turn our pain into purpose.
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Hey Iyabo,
Forgiveness is about us letting go of the past – I agree. We are no longer shackled to the past with the depth of emotion tied to it. It’s not an immediate process, it is one that takes time. We certainly have to absorb whatever happened, but we never have to remain there.
I have seen many people get caught up in what happened ten years ago. I agree the issue will never go but remaining where they were ten years ago means that person is tormenting themselves. They have not moved forward. I really want to pull people from their issue when I see this. I want them to stop torturing themselves. I don’t want them to forget. I just want them to move forward for themselves. Thanks for your wonderful comments.
Rachel.
You make great points about how replaying things in your mind doesn’t change what happened, and that by forgiving you can let go of the burden of the past. It reminds me of the Mark Twain quote: “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” We can’t control what happens in many instances, but we can control how we react to them and how we think about them.
Hey Jose,
It’s your first time to my blog so welcome.
I could not agree with you more about the Mark Twain quote. I believe it with my everything. But that is where the difference lies. We can believe we are doing what is right for us and bottling anger up or we can really feel what Twain says.
I think we have to learn the forgiving process. It does not just happen. First we have comprehend it as theory and then move through it, to come out the other end of it. I don’t know about you – but I have to feel my anger, even get sick to death of feeling angry about the same thing before I can really dismiss it.
Wonder what you think about that. Great seeing you here. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
That’s a great point. It’s easy to say that we shouldn’t be angry. In reality, it’s a process that we have to move through. From acknowledging the feeling first and then letting it go. The quicker we can move on, the better. It does take some time and effort though.
Hey Jose,
Your so right anger is a process that we have to move through. Anger is a natural emotion, so its real and raw. Anger gets a bad name because of the actions that steam from anger.
I agree the quicker we move through the process the better for us. However the grieving cycle is not for us determine. The only thing we have to watch out for is that we don’t remain stuck. Then we must reach out and seek help.
Great seeing you again Jose.
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
I agree with you totally!
Forgiving is a great quality that is often observed in great people.
Thanks for sharing.
I’ll be back soon,
~ Ahmad
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Hey Muhammad,
Forgiveness is within all of us to reach. It’s frees us from the burdens others have placed on us. Releasing us from the shackles of the past. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
I agree, Rachel 😉
Hey Muhammad,
I’m glad you agree.
Rachel.