The group that hacked into the Ashley Madison dating site certainly bought data security into the open. It also propelled already damaged relationships into further chaos. Could you imagine being in a relationship going about your day to find that your partner on the data base of a website that practices extra martial affairs.
Obviously this partnership has had its issues, no relationship is without them, however now the spouse has to deal with adultery.
Or
You have been at your current job for five years. You and your colleague were employed on the same day. A strong and supportive relationship has developed over time.
On Mondays you openly talk about what you did on the weekends with your partner and kids. You have shared times when the home environment has hit a rocky patch. Your spouse’s know one another and on the odd occasion, all four of you have all gone out together.
Your home relationship takes a turn for the worst and you are both discussing this matter at a work event. It becomes obvious that you’re attracted to one another. This creates an opportunity to turn this relationship into more than just work mates.
The first scenario is pre-motivated with the intent to indulge in an extra marital affair. However the second situation is founded on trust and support. There is nothing sordid about the later. These people have known each other for years.
Yet no excuse stops the pain a spouse feels when they find out about an affair. Nothing eases the surprise, the betrayal or the heartache.
Nothing eases the pain, surprise, betrayal or heartache a spouse feels when finding out about an affair. Share on X
Having an affair declares: –
- Your current relationship is in turmoil,
- You have stopped respecting the relationship with your spouse,
- You no longer care to nurture the relationship with your spouse,
- You have taken on the ‘I’ before ‘we’,
- You are being selfish,
RELATED: Shocking facts about infidelity in marriages.
The heat of the moment.
Extra marital affairs are exciting, putting fire back into a monotonous and steady life style. It feels dangerous and stimulating. For the first time in a long time one feel’s alive.
Engaging in a sexual affair.
If this is what makes you come alive, what does this say about where you have steered your life? 
Committing yourself to another person does not mean you lose your individuality or your decision making abilities. In fact these are the key characteristics of keeping a partnership on track.
Taking your sexual appetite to someone else – says something about you. These actions have no bearing on your partner. Yet it is your spouse that will feel the heaviest burden of your affair.
While you’re out with your new lover, what would your significant other be doing? Is it possible they could be at home, thinking about you, preparing or doing something to make your life easier? Look how the loyalty is reciprocated.
Do you think the moment the affair began, when the line was crossed and you went from a committed relationship to adulterous; your spouse choose you wrongly? Regardless of what is going on at home or how good or bad that relationship is – you have just betrayed the one person who gave you their heart, mind and time.
The moment the affair began, you went from committed relationship to adulterous. Your spouse choose you wrongly. @thedigger0 Share on XThe mutual agreement made at the start of the relationship is now damaged. That talk about moving in and becoming exclusive has now been altered. But there is only one person who is aware of this change. Enemies are not treated this bad.
Only one question requires an answer. How would you feel if the person you lived with did the same to you?
As the affair progresses, so to do your thoughts and feelings.
The action of a steamy affair is exciting, nerve racking and edgy. After the interlude, you will feel a number of mixed emotions. Thrilled, exhilarated, shame, guilt, anger and disappointment.
You may even attempt to blame your actions on your spouse. You feel so lousy. So you are looking to ease these horrid feelings with projection. Had your spouse not been who they were or did what they did – you would not be in this situation.
Then you meet up for the second time. It’s still so new and sensual. One minute it takes your breath away, the next you feel devastated at what you have become.
As time goes on you forget about how mixed these sentiments were initially. You may still feel guilt and remorse. Although you can compensate for the negative emotions. The feel good factor trumps the horrid thoughts. You have become decentised to your actions. The affair is now a normal part of your life.
RELATED: The emotional cost of infidelity.
Attraction: is feeling good without the action.
When you have the hots for someone else, doesn’t it feel invigorating? You may get a little nervous, show off and of course you want to be at the center of their attention when they are present.
Think about the last time you were loved up or had a crush on someone and they noticed you. Your steps became a little stronger, your heart raced, your face was left flushed and rosy.
Attraction without the sex or intimacy.
We have entered into a committed relationship. Struck up a personal contract with our spouse. We respect who we are AND we get to enjoy an innocent attraction. We may even take this attraction away with us for the evening and give your partner the best loved up session you both have shared in a long time.
Attraction has the potential to make us think of someone else. Yet, if we are firm with our commitment we don’t need to stray past the thoughts.
Think carefully before heading in the direction of temptation. This means we are walking away from our committed relationships. How we represent ourselves is in everything we do. It has to be they are our actions.
Is the grass really greener on the other side? What if we put time and effort into keeping the grass on our side nourished? Would the grass on the other side even come into our visions and thoughts?
Being in a relationship does not exempt you from being attracted to other people.
In fact the law of attraction will find that you have many an admirer once in a relationship.
- Being unavailable and
- in a stable relationship, mixed with
- feeling comfortable in your own skin is a recipe for attraction.
Feeling attracted to someone whilst in a relationship you get to:
- engage in conversation;
- enjoy the attraction;
- it’s a legal right to have your cake and eat it.
We are constantly meeting new people. One will never know when that one person turns the corner and sparks fly. In these circumstances there’s no uncertainty. As you respect your partner and yourself too much for this to go anywhere.
RELATED: Don’t fight it: Why it’s ok to be attracted to other people.
I’m in a committed relationship this won’t happen to me.
Attraction is not breaking a deal. It is not lying. It is a natural reaction. No emotion is shameful. It is what we do with that emotion that counts.
- Acting on the attraction (an affair) can’t be undone or changed.
- Recognise the attraction. Ensure it goes no further, you have a strong foundation that has taken time to establish, why would you put that in jeopardy?
Strong views on affairs until a situation is presented.
I had a friend who held strong views on people having affairs. He dismissed the idea as nothing more than a world of selfish sin and shame. That was until he meet up with an ex-girlfriend. They talked about the old times and recent events in their life. The connection and attraction was still evident to them both.
She was married, but was not happy. The relationship was over but there were complications. The excuse or reason was valid to her, but the spouse would have thought otherwise.
RELATED: Why we have affairs – And why not to tell.
There are successful relationships that have come from the start of an affair. Although there have been more disaster’s from this type of behaviour. But never forget, someone will always get hurt.
Be clear about your priorities.
Life is not that cut and dry. You believe that an affair is appropriate in your situation. You can’t leave your partner, they would take half of everything you have worked so dam hard for.
You are more worried about your money than your happiness. You are more than prepared to sacrifice your standards with lies because money is a priority.
A woman having an affair because they are with a lousy partner. They are not treated right and abuse lives in the marital home. That is why they had an affair.
You have an abusive partner. You have an affair. If you are caught the consequences are a foul temper with an unpredictable nature.
We are all human, temptation will always be dancing around waiting for us to grab at a five minute feel good situation. However if our behaviour impacts others we really do have to think carefully before acting. We all make mistakes, life presents opportunities that steer us in directions where our emotions are turned inside out.
Let’s celebrate new experience and periods of learning. But let us tread cautiously when we have the gift of someone else’s heart and mind in our hands. They did not pass them over lightly and they have trusted us.
We should never forget that everyone has their own reasons for their actions. Being unemotionally detached makes it easy to judge other people’s circumstances. But when you add emotions to any situation the outcome can be unpredictable.
Hi Rachel,
Lovely post indeed 🙂
You sound like a relationship expert for sure! But honestly speaking, affairs always breaks relationships and one’s seen so many people go through it. I guess they have their own reasons, many of which you’ve mentioned, and to each their own.
However, affairs never lead to anything. Eventually, the cheating partners go back if they seek forgiveness and are forgiven, or else the relationship just ends because of the affair issue, which leaves one of the partners heart-broken.
True, that the momentary happiness might be there and your life may take a different turn for the better for some who are otherwise not happy in their marriages or relationships – but are you being true to your partner by cheating? You might spice up your life, but I wonder how’d you feel if your partner did the same? Not good I am sure.
I guess at the end of the day a lot depends on how strong your bond of love is, and if its really strong, their is no question of seeking another or having an affair. Ideally, you work on your marriage or relationship if there are issues, instead of seeking another. I know of a couple where they both got back together after the man drifted, as the woman forgave him. But I wonder whether their relationship would ever be the same – the cracks time to heal, don’t they?
Thanks for sharing it with us. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
PS – The CommentLuv doesn’t seem to be working yet again 🙂
Hey Harleena,
Always a delight to get your comments.
I put affairs up in the top area of mental anguish. They ruin another persons perspective completely, some for a while and others longer and sometime affairs have the potential to completely change how a person see’s the world. We have enough of our own individual issues to work on.
Years ago I suffered from a partner ‘doing the dirty’. I left and went back and was in turmoil. I was much younger then. But hurt and leaving and returning does not change the other person and it was another year before I left permanently. I am no longer scarred by this event but I have set rules now. There are no second chances. Once trust has evaporated, it is a torment to live with that person.
I think in this day and age we take our relationships for granted (I too have been one to do this myself), however now I am far more aware of what I contribute and have the potential of harming. So I take all relationships really seriously even though I am a joker at times.
I would never wish infidelity on anyone – it is one of the toughest issues someone can come back from. Thanks for your support and amazing comments.
Rachel.
P.S – thanks for letting me know about Comment Luv it is very important to me and I have been in contact with the developer and he has told me about compatibility with other pluggins. As I have done some coding alterations I am a bit scared to deactivate them just in case it impacts on my blog. So I am thinking before I proceed with action.
Hey Rachel, you have beautifully crafted this post. I feel the word ‘Affair’ sounds itself little creepy and disrespecting. When person is unmarried and in a relationship, then it sounds fine but extramarital relationship is not healthy at all. Thanks for sharing this beautiful post.
Hey Ana,
Welcome back.
When you say Affair sounds a little creepy – I could not agree with you more. If you are single, you answer to nobody except your conscious. But when you have someone else’s heart and mind in your hands – I think it should be taken really seriously. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
What a great post Rachel.
When I worked in an office I knew of some people who were having an affair. It started out by them calling each other their “office spouse” because they spent more time with each other than their own spouses. I left before I knew what happened to them but I hope they figured out what and who they wanted.
I’m sure there are reasons why people cheat but they need to communicate with their spouses to figure out what they are drawn to someone else. And if after, communication isn’t working I would consider leaving, not cheating.
My ex cheated on me but I’ve been very luck with my hubs now. I don’t have to worry about him stepping out on me like that. We make sure to communicate and spend time with each other so we both feel loved and valued.
Thanks for putting this post together for us. Hope you’re having a great day so far!
Cori
Hey Corina,
Always enjoy seeing you here.
Office romances, as I write the words there are people passing through my mind that I can picture now in affairs. “Office spouse” funny, that is like affirming what will be, if it was not already.
Everyone believes their reason is acceptable – but I cannot stress enough, if the person was on the receiving end, they would not appreciate it. I have heard of married couples where one partner is ill and they have discussed the other one seeking a sexual relationship. But when we have that talk – the one where we enter into an exclusive relationship – that is when the deal is sealed. Talking about altering the relationship is all about communication I agree – but it is rarely done. I just can’t imagine the conversation going – honey see you after 8pm tonight after I have made love with that other person in our triangle.
Hey Cori – I dont think you are lucky with your new hubs – I think you are deserving of being treated like the fine woman you are. Sounds like you had to go through some tough times to have the man that makes you happy and secure. Thanks for your comments.
There was actually just a story on Good Morning America this morning that relates to your post. They were trying to decide if a couple should try to make a relationship work after there is an affair. And while they made great points for each side, they really never said yes or no. They just made circles around the subject. From my perspective, once a cheater, always a cheater and there is no way I could trust that person again.
Hey Christine,
Welcome back.
I am with you, I would not place myself in the situation a second time round. If the partner can do it once, it is only a matter of time before the relationship hits a period that is tough and off they go again. I think it is such bad manners because an affair has thrills and spills for the person who is doing it, but ruins the spouse. Bad form and very selfish. No second guessing, just move on. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Wow Rachel! What a post you’ve written here and a beautifully written one at that. Relationships have always been hard for me. I am easily turned off so I need to work on that so I can get married one day…LOL. But you wrote such a thorough post that I will read it again. You must definitely write a book if you haven’t already. Great work!
Hey Natasha,
Good to see you, what amazing feedback you have given me – thank you.
I would not be too hard on myself if I was you – relationships take a lot of work. But you know when you have found the one, because you don’t mind putting the time and effort in, it is a big difference and you will feel it. I feel blessed that you want to read it a second time.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
This is so well-written. As someone who has been through an emotional affair and forgiven him, I have to say, it’s very hard to move on. I was one that said it would never happen to me BUT told my spouse in the beginning “If you ever cheat, that’s it!” Things change 9-10 years into the relationship. You have so much invested and as a woman in her late 40’s you have to ask yourself: Is what he done so terrible that you would throw away everything invested? Is the relationship worth trying to salvage?
Some people would kiss the relationship goodbye. But if you don’t believe in divorce, you need to at least TRY to salvage, that is if the other partner is willing.
Passing this along.
B
Hey Brenda,
Welcome and thanks for the visit.
Brenda I want to thank you for being so honest. My heart goes out to the torment and heart break you have suffered. While I was much younger when my boyfriend at the time played around on me – it hurt like hell and sent me to place of despair that I would never wish for another.
Having invested so much time in your relationship I understand where you mind would have been at. As for being in your late 40’s (you are nothing more than an infant out of nappies – who has a vibrant and giving personality), I know this because of your input on Facebook and the love you have for those puppies. You have made your choice and I say stay strong woman. When thoughts start to linger or come to haunt you – refuse them point blank (not a moment thought). When doubt starts to surface refuse it. You have made a decision, don’t let the past rule you.
You could even think of it like a brand new relationship where you started over and you have the friendship of 10 years. I respect your strength and if you are welling to try and salvage the relationship – give it the 100%.
If you want to go into depth with strategies on those days that get the better of you – you only need email Brenda.
Thanks for your amazing share – I am truly humbled by your openness.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
This is one topic that interests most of us I suppose. No one gets into a committed relationship thinking their partner could cheat.
I’m sure most of us think this or that would never happen to us, no matter what kind of problems we are facing in a relationship at that time.
I do believe we shouldn’t judge the person on the other side as you’ve mentioned ‘we have reasons for our actions’.
But finding out that the one person, you trusted, have broken your trust hurt, a lot.
Cheating, in a relationship is, unacceptable and relationship breaker. Once trust is gone, there’s nothing much left in that relationship. I have been called unforgiving for this view, but I can only speak my truth.
Keep up the good work. 🙂
Hey Priya,
Good to see you.
Priya, one of my strongest beliefs is about trust so I agree when you say, ‘Once trust is gone, there is nothing left in the relationship’. I don’t see that is unforgiving view. When our hearts feel as if they have been ripped out of our body because of the actions of an affair, that pain is heavy, hard and we carry it around for a long time.
It is not like you lost your wallet and it is painful because you have so many cards to cancel and make arrangements for new ones. This ruins others. I have seen people come back from affairs stronger, but others that don’t recover and hold a bitterness deep down. But that fact that two people agreed to share lives and one decides to pop out of the agreement is unfortunate.
It is hard not to judge others in affairs (ask anyone who has felt the betrayal) – they have strong opinions on the subject. However in saying that – I understand why we are greedy, wanting everything for nothing, wanting to have our cake and eat it. But we really do create our own hardships, but they impact on others. Thanks for your comments.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel
You sure are a relationship expert and I have never seen any post about Affairs written with so much uniqueness like yours.
You know you have got me thinking about the topic and you really nailed it by going through the minds of those who have had an affair. It is something that can happen to anyone.
I never thought that I could have an affair but reading this post, I have become aware that i need to be careful. It hurts to trust someone who would dash your heart to pieces. It isn’t cool.
Thanks for sharing. You rock Rachel
Hey Ikechi,
Always a pleasure seeing you.
Your feedback always makes me smile. I wanted to really make those thinking about an affair own their actions. Our relationships require lots of time and while I say effort (it sounds as though I mean you have to exert yourself), but it is about effort that we want to invest.
I had a boss years ago who used to say “manage mum”, it was so funny when I thought about it. Because while it was more about keeping mum happy, it had a little more depth too it. While he knew, if his wife was happy his life would be smooth sailing. But he had put a lot of thought into it and he wanted his partner to be happy. And he was sharing this magic yet cheeky statement with his kids.
Ikechi, attraction pops up all the time but we really get to enjoy it for what it is rather than adding pressure to our lives. I say lets love our partners with our everything. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
That’s food for thought. Certainly looks like a lot of effort has gone into this post. Beautifully written.
Affairs in relationships have become more common now than ever before. It’s scary to even think about it. As you mentioned there are so many reasons for people resorting to having an affair.
But when it is just for that momentary gratification, it’s heartbreaking for the other half.
More marriages could survive if only couples spent time working on their relationships instead of wasting their lives and time on a third person.
This post will definitely make many people think twice before having an affair. I feel it is so timely and probably deter anybody wanting to have extra marital affairs. Good on you for writing about such a pressing societal issue.
You’re making a huge difference. Take care and wish you a wonderful Sunday:)
Hey Hema,
Great to see you.
You are so right in saying it seems that relationships are falling a part more and more these days. Our partner (soul mate, play mate – the closest person in our lives), it is scary we feel the need to ruin this by affairs. While it ruins relationships it really ruins the spouse that finds out. To come back from that is really tough. A person has an affair and the other one really suffers, how could we see that in a positive light.
It is all about investing time in our partners. It is not about the gifts (even though they are more than welcome), it is about laughing, lazying around, having the tough talks, sharing our fears and desires. Quality time. So we have to work hard at them. It is not easy but these are a life mates – putting in an effort is wonderful because that is what we do for people, our friends, family and especially our partner. Thanks for your wonderful feedback.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
How are doing dear? Thanks a lot for this epic piece from you… I stick to my words “Epic” bcoz I am seeing and reading such a beautiful article on one of the sensitive words “Affair” and your dealing on it is elegant… enjoyed it and have a great day and all the best for coming up posts..I am waiting.. 😛
Hey Gurunath,
Welcome. I always saw my work as having its own flow but never thought of it as elegant – so I lap up these kinds words you share with a little blush.
It is a very sensitive subject I agree. An affair creates such a mess of someone else’s heart and puts doubt in a place where it should never be. When we make deal with someone else we should either stick with it or break the deal off, fair and square. And while that sounds great, life is not as cut and dry as that. Thanks for the visit.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Great post, Rachel!
Yes, affair is the dirty word. Love is just like the true relationship that never ends!
Thanks for sharing.
Your new friend,
Ahmad
Muhammad Ahmad recently posted…Check out my First Affiliate Income 27$ from Udemy Affiliate
Hey Ahmad,
This is your first time to my blog so welcome.
I enjoyed how you put it. Love is just like the true relationship that never ends! Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
You can become closer and happier and bring more love and honesty to your marriage than you had before your spouse had the affair. ” This process develops and calls attention to a “part of you” that can stand back and monitor (control in a healthy manner) the process. Your spouse has a nagging habit of suspecting and doubting. In most instances, emotional affairs start out as ordinary friendships. – 829 Telltale Signs (e-book version with Affair Recovery information). Tim Trautz is a freelance writer who writes about style and fashion including products like the Royal Heirloom Ring.
Hey Tim,
There are some couples who can survive an affair. There are statistics showing an affair can make the relationship stronger. That can’t be easy process to travel through. Emotions are raw. Both parties would have to show a great deal of patience. Trust has been broken, that takes a while to get over.
I agree Tim, a lot of affairs do start out of friendships. Nobody is immune from being attracted to others while committed. Its what you do with that attraction at the time. It doesn’t have to be acted upon. It can be enjoyed for exactly what it is. Saves a lot of heart ache.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.