There will never be an acceptable excuse for raising your hand to another human being.
Dear Domestic Violence. You may not remember last night, but you only have to take one look at me and you will immediately recognise your handy work. All because you were in a drunken stupor.
I heard you bounce off the hallway walls as you stagger to our bedroom. It was only a matter of time before I have to face the harsh reality of your fist connecting with some part of my body. Instantly my sensors were on high alert. It were as if I was a captured animal awaiting my fate.
You whacked me, blow after blow for reasons unknown to myself. Once you physically exhausted yourself, the punches stop. Then you fall into a deep sleep; I survey my injuries until, I hear you snoring. It is only then I decide it is safe to remove myself from the floor.
I slowly start to attend to my wounds. I wipe away the blood, dress the cut on my lip and bandage my arm. I am house bound until these injuries begin to heal. No matter how many times you do this to me; my pride won’t allow me to be seen in public like this.
Before I lay down by your side, I stare at you for what seems like hours – my thoughts swing from questions on how to kill you; to how had I got myself into such a messy, desperate situation? I am cocooned in a cycle of your weak abuse and sorrow.
I remain very still while I listen to your hangover grunt as the alarm sounds off at 5.30am. I can hear you scratching something with hair, maybe it’s your leg or under your jocks. With every move you make, is an action closer to you leaving for work.
But tonight when you walk in the door – feeling like shit due to the hangover, you will be exposed to the horror of your own doings. And instantly you will want to console, hug and make it up to me.
I dare not attempt to push away from your embrace (with every touch, excruciating pain shoots through my body). I have to let you go about fussing over me or the next time you get drunk, I will cop another beating for what you presume is rejection. And it will start all over again.
If your well being is dependent upon someone else’s temperament; you will never know from one punch to the next how much damage you will be forced to endure. Being permanently disfigured, physically impaired or death are realistic factors in your current relationship. Victims of Domestic Violence receive the same injuries that a boxer accepts by will.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to change the perpetrator’s behaviour and it is not up to you to try.
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Abusive indicators.
- Lack of self-control. The perpetrator has no skills in maintaining their anger.
- The perpetrator shows little respect for you in the presence of others.
- The perpetrator has unrealistic expectations of you, but displays behaviour that shocks many others. This keeps family and friends away.
- The perpetrator thinks it is acceptable for you to remain in a relationship where abuse is ongoing.
- The perpetrator blames you for their violent behaviour.
- The perpetrator threatens to take the children, if you leave.
- The perpetrator threatens suicide if you leave.
- You avoid certain topics of conversation as these subjects could set the perpetrator off into fits of abuse and/or physical violence.
All the above behaviours, highlight an unstable mind.
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Domestic Violence Research.
There are so many victims and perpetrators involved in the cycle of Domestic Violence. The research indicates that your individual situation is an urgent matter. Living under these circumstances is detrimental to your mental and physical state. You are in grave danger. One punch has the potential to kill you.
Unfortunately all the justifications you give yourself to remain in a hostile situation have been said by others before you. It is documented that you will accept the excuses of: –
- he is sorry,
- he does love me,
- he will change,
- things will get better,
- it was my fault he got angry and hurt me.
The excuses the perpetrator gives you for their bad behaviour have been documented.
- The perpetrator has promised to change,
- The perpetrator says they will never do it again,
- The perpetrator really does love you.
Haven’t you heard all this before?
You only have two choices.
- Remain in this cycle of abuse. Stay on edge, walk on egg shells, and be robbed of a life that someone has demanded they take without any right. It’s not easy being isolated and left lonely. But the alternative is to remain, continually recuperating from malicious attacks. As you recover, the cycle is still in motion. Some beatings are more severe than others, but each punch ages you a little faster than the, process of aging itself. OR
- Start again! Take a chance, move and leave everything behind. There really was nothing of value. The abuse stole all that.
One of the major reasons you remain is because of your friends and family. They are your world and support network. However none of the people that care about you want you to remain in an abusive relationship. They would rather miss you, than see you bruised and beaten.
The reason leaving is an option.
There are people and services in your community that will supply you with information, support and refer you to refuges and other agencies. All to get you back to living as you are meant to. However there is only so much assistance you require because the rest will be up to you. You have to really want to leave Domestic Violence behind.
When an individual has been mentally and physically abused with all their rights taken from them, it’s little wonder they doubt their decision making abilities. There are many different kinds of abuse. Emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, economical and sexual.
You may have had limited money, little access to a car or isolated from friends and family. Expected to have sex after abuse. This is not intimacy. Your religious or spiritual beliefs may be hindered because it does not suit the perpetrator. You got used to living under conditions that were not in your favour.
Of course you are low in energy and self-esteem. The cycle of abuse robs you of all positive thoughts. You are constantly in a cloud of verbal and physical negativity. Being surrounded by harsh conditions takes a lot of work and it becomes tough to think about anything else.
At this point you wonder how you would ever get the strength to leave. You don’t have anything left in the tank and yet this is where you are required to be at your strongest.
Survival skills.
- Living through Domestic Violence highlights just how strong you really are. You managed while being beaten to a pulp, you went about your day when the bruises and cuts were on display.
- You were able to endure the complexities of an unstable individual. You lived through the worst of it. Never underestimate how resilient you are, having lived through this type of abuse.
- You are skilled at reading individual moods.
- If you have been drip fed money, you are skilled in budgeting.
- You are probably a good make-up artist, covering the bruises.
- You are good at attempting to keep the peace.
- You know when to bite your tongue because trouble is on its way.
This horrible situation has given you many survival skills. Now all you have to do is survive without the threat of injury. Once you make a choice to leave, life is easier than living with such brutal treatment.
What you need to prepare for. The adjustment period.
- You are skilled at living in drama. You may even thrive on it, but this kind of drama is not what anyone should have to endure. You don’t need someone linked to your arm that shows you verbal abuse, love punches and then thinks that sex to your injured mind and body is a loving relationship.
- Domestic violence kept you busy, your mind consumed and your body recovering from the physical abuse. So when it stops, the quietness may seem rather loud.
- When the drama stops those lonely nights in a new safe place can be long and loud. There is this silence, your adrenaline does not run on fear and survival instincts. It is a very scary, confusing and uncertain time. But you can prepare yourself for what feels like a void. This can be the trigger that makes you go back. But what are you returning to? Quiet nights are better than flying fists.
- One person dominated your life for a long period of time. No wonder in quiet times you feel a little stir crazy. It is not unusual for your thoughts to be taken back to your past. However in time your thought processors will change. When you think about your old situations it may turn from sorrow to anger or bitterness.
- Victims of Domestic Violence doubt that they can make it on their own. Yet the survival skills they learnt highlight the exact opposite.
- No service or individual will stop you from returning. But they do fear for you and will attempt to talk you out of it. Because research highlights you are returning to an unsafe environment. The potential for you to be immediately abused upon return is high. Other perpetrators become more dominate to ensure you never leave again.
- It does take time to adjust but once you are get some distance and find other friends and maybe a partner who treats you right, you will realise you were a part of someone else’s horrible cycle. When you are in a storm you do whatever you must to survive.
- You may even feel initial guilt and/or remorse that you left the perpetrator. This is a natural way of thinking because you have been imprisoned. However these thoughts are unhealthy and it will take a bit of time adjust to your new found freedom.
- Initially it may feel unusual making choices for yourself and your children. You wake up every morning without bruising or pain. Fear does not live in your new home.
What if…
What if you made a deal with yourself; regardless of how you feel or how much you want to go back, you stick this out for only three months before you make a decision to return. By that stage you will have had enough time to adjust to a new way of life and see it for what it is and not what someone else created.
Every time you consider going back ask yourself; what’s the difference between waking up lonely and is it comparable to waking up bruised and battered, finding it hard to move. There really is no other choice.
What if after your three month trial you find you laugh a little? What if you see a change in your kids? What if once you give it a little time this freedom that everyone else has makes you feel better not worse.
The cycle of abuse.
Cycle of Domestic Violence; Picture sited in the following link: http://www.salvationarmy.org.au/en/find-help/domestic-violence/Cycle-of-violence/
Generally there is a period of harmony while the bruises and swelling are visible. It appears that the perpetrator feels guilt and/or remorse. This is a very big indicator that both of you are all too aware that this kind of behaviour is dangerous and out of order. In the cycle of abuse this period is called the honey moon phase.
However by now you know it is only a matter of time before you see a difference in the perpetrators behaviour. All of a sudden the energy shifts and you can feel the increase in tension. This is called the Build up phase.
Then you are faced with the stand over phase. Control and fear become apparent. Anger starts again and the verbal insults are flowing from the perpetrators mouth. (You can’t call this person your partner, because there is nothing about this situation that indicates support or a loving relationship). You are back at the stage where it is only a matter of time before something really bad happens. You don’t know what to say because at this point in time anything can set this time bomb off.
The explosion. The unpredictable phase where life and death hang in the balance. You never know how far the beating will go or how many injuries you will have sustain. This is an uncertain period. You’re all too aware of this phase.
After the perpetrator has finished using you as their punching bag they feel guilty. Using excises for their poor behaviour to justify their actions. What an unbalanced way of behaving. What a shameful way of expecting the victim to remain. Their guilt is not yours. This is another phase where the perpetrator is all too aware that their actions are wrong. This is the Remorse phase where justification, minimisation and guilt are seen and heard.
Pursuit and promises stage. You have heard it all before. ‘I love you, I am sorry, I promise it won’t happen again.’ The words sound familiar as they were said the last time you were at this stage. Listening to their promises while you are recovering from their actions seems rather odd would you not say? It is their actions that speak the loudest and you know this to be true when you move about slowly because you are in pain or when you look in the mirror and your bruises are all too prominent.
What Domestic Violence teaches your children?
If you have children, you owe it to them, to move away from this vicious cycle. You don’t want to teach your baby girl that it is okay to be beaten up and that’s what men do. And you don’t want to teach your baby boy that raising their hand to woman is acceptable behaviour.
Your children being witness to an abusive cycle impacts them right throughout their life. As young children they are frightened for you and themselves. What a horrible experience for your children to have to hear and see. They may even be injured by this weak perpetrator. If you can’t leave for your own safety you really have no choice but to leave for the sake of your children. The ramification of this abuse live long within your children.
There is a possibility of a happy ending.
There are many woman who have broken the cycle of Domestic Violence and the one thing they regret most, is not doing it sooner. It is a tough time (but not as tough living with unpredictable violence), they felt scared, as if nothing would ever be the same again. And they were right, because life got better.
With time, life gets better when you free yourself from the shackles of Domestic Violence. Share on X
Hey Rachel,
Once again you have came up with valuable and serious topic. I think that domestic violence should be stop at very first time when you faced it becuase if you will not do so then it will be become more aggressive as time passed and after that it will be very tough to stop.
Thanks for sharing your insight over here, I came to know few more things about domestic violence from your post
Anant
Hey Anant,
Welcome back – I do enjoy your comments.
I agree with you that it should be stopped immediately but people are not that cut and dry. However woman who remain in an abusive situation are in real danger. Some men are so mean Anant that leaving and getting caught could put them into even more danger. That is why no addresses are given for woman’s refuge for the safety of the women escaping domestic violence.
I worked with a number of woman that would repeatedly return to a hostile situation only to be hospitalised not long after. It is a brutal cycle and it gets me really fired up. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hey Rachel,
Great post! I think you did a wonderful job inspiring domestic abuse victims to think about leaving. I love the way you highlight the skills, which are definitely skills that can be easily transferred to the challenge of living alone. I love this because I believe the most important factor to making any huge change in life is learning to love and accept yourself.
I hope this post is read by those who are ready to hear this message of support and love.
Jenn
Hey Jenn,
Welcome back and thanks for your kind words.
Domestic Violence gets me real angry, and I would do anything to make sure anyone could get the opportunity to escape it. Imprisoning people because you can (regardless of the excuse) is power over and it just does not sit well with me at all.
Most victims have amazing skills, they have just been beaten physically and mentally that they cannot see just how strong they are.
I have worked with woman who have left Domestic violence only to return a couple of weeks later, to be in the same cycle and being beaten within a month of return and I only knew about that beating because it was so severe. It is horrible what people go through. And there are so many resources out there that people just don’t know about. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hello Rachel, this article is deep, very deep. It is something that should be shared with a much much bigger audience. The scene you described in the opening of the post almost gave me goose pimples. This is terrible. And to think that some people live with this or even worse.
I have always been a believer in ’till death do us part’, but when it comes to infidelity and physical abuse, I will pass. I mean till death do us part doesn’t mean you should have to kill the other person.
My heart goes out to everybody who is being treated this way and served this kind of cold shit on a regular basis. The perpetrators are beasts.
By the way, can you equally write something on abuse generally? This post is more about physical abuse. Men are more guilty of this than women. But then there is mental and emotional abuse. which goes the other way round. Or what do you think?
Hey Toby,
Good to see you.
Domestic Violence is everywhere and a huge subject Toby.
I agree, marriage until death – unless you are a dirty cheat or a weak abuser. Because sometimes we don’t see a person for who they are for long periods of time, because they hide it. Could you imagine thinking your partner was wonderful and slowly insults start and the first time it happens you are wounded and hurt because it has never happened before. Then verbal abuse becomes more regular and loss of temper is witnessed. Over a period of time a shove or push happens and before you know it you are bruised and battered.
Because a woman never starts a relationship with a punch. She doesn’t meet a guy and he punches her and she thinks, hey you are mine. It is a progressively downward spiral. I have seen some of the strongest woman in an abusive relationships and it never began like that.
Thanks for the idea of writing about abuse. It is certainly swirling in my mind as I write and a great idea. I appreciate your comments. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
This is a truly great post and it really captures the scope and consequences of domestic violence – a selfish, shameful and barbaric way of maintaining a relationship. Indeed women need to summon the courage needed to break the cycle of violence sooner rather than later. One’s life is always at stake in these circumstances and there’s really no way of knowing what impact a vicious blow or kick may have.
Your post should be read all over the world, it’s that epic.
Regards.
Hey Samuel,
Welcome to my blog.
I agree with you Domestic violence is selfish, shameful, barbaric and weak because a human has no self-control.
Research has highlighted that one punch can kill, so these woman are under enormous pressure living with this sort of treatment.
It is tough for woman who are mentally and physically abused to up and leave but there really is no other choice and yes the sooner the better. We need this message to be very loud. Thank your for your kind words and comments.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Rachel
You always magnetize me with your articles. This time, I would like to call it as a guide. You have captured the emotions of the sufferers in this single post.
I can’t even the understand the pain of the people who go through the phase of domestic violence. It is always better to move on when things are not going in the right direction. You have explained each and everything in so much detail.
I always wonder the impact of the domestic violence on children. Nourishing minds don’t deserve all this, isn’t? Instead of having a normal routine like other children, they go through the disturbing phase of life.
Couples try to suppress the violence in the family due to the family and social pressure. But, they are harming themselves in the long run. A strength doesn’t lie in suppressing. It is all about exposing your feelings out in the world.
Thanks a lot for sharing this sensitive topic with all of us 🙂
Hey Yatin,
Welcome back. I do enjoy your feedback.
I agree the emotion and physical anguish people go through when they have to live with abuse is appalling. I am an advocate of a victim escaping domestic violence by any means because it only takes one punch to cause injury, permanent damage or death. However an individual has to want to leave.
And with physical abuse comes psychological abuse where the victims self esteem is diminished. Some are so low they don’t believe they will make it without this monster. Others are too scared because the perpetrators are very scary threatening individuals. When you can raise you hand to the opposite sex and you are sneaky enough to hide it from others most of the time, you have one hell of a man who is a time bomb waiting to go off.
When you have a person raising their hand to another, the kids are not taken into account generally. A perpetrator lashing out does not wait for the kids to be away from hearing or seeing. It is a horrendous cycle for everyone involved.
I agree Yatin, when couples are suppressing their emotions it is only a matter of time before it all comes out anyway. And partners don’t have always agree all the time but knowing that your partner can be relied when it counts is a wonderful backbone as opposed to not knowing when your partner will explode. Thanks for your time. Talk soon.
Rachel.
What a powerful article, Rachel.
I mean… I just don’t even know what to say, because this is a topic that I personally can’t relate to. And I honestly don’t know anyone that has been the victim of repeated physical abuse.
Lucky me, right?
But I can only imagine the horror of it all. Great resource you’ve put together here!
Brent
Hey Brent,
Welcome back, always good to see you.
I enjoyed your response, thank you. Not being able to relate to this topic is fortunate indeed.
It’s a subject close to my heart as I can see subtle signs of relationship issues when I meet people within just a few spoken sentences. My gift of reading human behaviour; picks up on people’s amazing qualities but also the negative and sometimes dangerous attributes individuals possess.
I worked in a women’s refuge for a period of three months and was horrified at what some of the woman had to go through. Heart wrenching, disturbing but most of all I saw strength they had and did not recognise. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel, Nice Post. Domestic Violence is the sin to the society and your post is very powerful to encourage the victims of domestic violence.
Hey Anamika,
Thanks for your comments. You are right Domestic Violence is a sin and causes a number of issues, drains communities of resources that could have been better served elsewhere. However it is a massive problem and I must say Australia has given all victims of Domestic Violence a choice to leave even though it is scary. While the resources are limited they are still there and every support worker and woman will stop at nothing to ensure another woman is safe. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
What a serious topic and well written post! Domestic violence is such a controversial subject and to read about what one thinks and feels about it and see it put down in words all of the thoughts and feelings one may have about it and you have done that beautifully, thank you 🙂 It is a sad epidemic and I agree with you it is not right for someone to lay a hand on another human being ever! Thanks so much for sharing 🙂
Hey Joan,
Thanks for your feedback. It is a very contraversial issue, but could you imagine two people in a relationship and one person is just breathing and waiting for something to happen or a mood to pass. This subject disturbs me and I can’t avoid issues that are hard to talk about.
Someone who is meant to love you, yet they create fear, unhappiness and sadness in your life worse than any enemy. How is logical. And the fact that it is so well hidden – shows that both parties know it is wrong. Anyway I can rave on about this subject for hours but I best save your ear for another topic. Talk soon.
Rachel.
This is such an important post and topic. I hope that there are people reading this, and will think to get out of an abusive situation or ask for help. I had two friends in high school that were caught in the cycle of abuse. Luckily, they both made it out.
Hey Shann,
This topic needs to be talked about – discussed – yelled to everyone and then repeated. I am glad to hear your two friends escaped domestic voilence.
I had a friend and her partner would smash her head against the floor and because of his tempramental nature when I went to visit (which was regularly I might add), I would have to converse with this man rather than express how I really felt because my friend would have been in grave danger had I butted in. That was really hard. How many times she and I discussed this issue, it took months before she left. And it could not be because I was talking her into it, it had to be because she wanted to leave. It was a horrible time for her and she pretended when he was around as if nothing happened and I had to as well all the while he carried on as if nothing happened. How can you respect a perpatrator like that. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
My ex was abusive and I took off before it got any worse. What made me decide to leave was one night he had some friends over and it just so happened that afternoon we had an episode.
I was in the kitchen when his bf walked in and saw my neck was red. He told me I need to get out of there before it got worse. That made everything click for me. I was trying to stay for the sake of my kids, yes thinking I could change him. But I was so wrong.
I had to fake that we were evicted and I moved out. My dad and brother were helping me move and when he noticed they were only taking my stuff, he was so pissed – I mean, if looks could kill. But he couldn’t do anything because I wasn’t alone. I left and never looked back.
Afterward, he would call and threaten me and when he landed in jail he blamed me and threatened to “get me back” but I never saw him again. It’s been over 20 years but I still fear the day I see him…if I ever do.
Funny thing was, his fam never believed me, until a couple years later when he put his girlfriend in the hospital. Some people are just violent and won’t ever change. I’m just glad my kids and I got out before he hurt me or them.
I love what you’ve shared here. I think it’s important for women to empower themselves and start over. They are survivors, not victims but it’s natural to feel the latter in that situation. I know I did for a while.
And yes, at first it may feel like our whole world is upside down but soon after when you see there is no more violence and the kids are happy, it’s so worth it and before we know it, we’re healing and moving on.
Thanks for this wonderful post!
Cori
Hey Cori,
Abuse does not get better, it does not remain the same, it gets worse as time goes by and at the other person’s peril – I might add.
The best friend probably saved your life or from further harm. I have known some really strong woman to get caught in the cycle of abuse. Perpetrators don’t meet their future partners and punch them and say now lets have a relationship. That side of them is hidden until they feel safe enough to present it. And that says it all. When they feel they can take advantage of a situation that does not require being taken advantage of. What a scary ordeal for you.
I bet that look from your Dad – drilled holes in your heart, it would have been one of those moments you would never forget. But some people will never understand because they have not witnessed it. And as for his family – they did not want to know about. Most people suspect but is a big issue and some just cant face it.
Your story is of great strength Cori. Never ever underestimate how little energy you would have had when you realised just how dangerous this relationship was. And thank god you got out, as it could have been you hospitalised and you children would have had to been cared for by the perpetrator.
Domestic voilence creates dark days and lowers energy levels, confidence and trust in the self. I breath a sigh of relief every time I hear a woman like yourself come out of the cycle and are able to talk about it. Thanks for sharing this horrid time in your life.
Rachel.