Do you have a friend that makes you feel like this?
From a young age we learn to socialise. We understand what a joy it is to be around other people. We can’t wait to see them and share good news. We get to lean on them through bad times. Mates will extend themselves and carry us when they see we need a shoulder to cry on. The support we offer and receive from one another creates strong bonds.
Yet friendships can be worn down from maltreatment. At times we forget and expect too much and give nothing in return. We may take it for granted that our buddies will be there for us no matter what. That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone else.
You’re high maintenance when you expect too much from your friends. What on earth does that mean?
None of us is perfect. Most of us understand that. We all tolerate and accept the idiosyncrasies in one another. Good traits outweigh those annoying habits.
We all tolerate and accept the idiosyncrasies in one another. Good traits outweigh those annoying habits. Share on XYet there are individuals in our circles that drag us down. Sometimes we are aware of what they do, other times we are unconscious to the fact.
It becomes obvious when you have to start cleaning up their mess.
You’re High Maintenance When You Become The Big Mouth.
You Don’t Ever Want To Be Known As The Big Mouth In Your Circles Of Friends.
A group of you are out to socialise for the evening. It’s always a pleasure meeting new people. The night has kicked off to a wonderful start.
Then, one of your mates starts mouthing off. Picking on people and being a jerk.
The air fills with tension. The dynamics shift and everyone is on guard with aggression.
You attempt to calm the situation. But your friend continues his jibes being deliberately obnoxious.
Now you have to defend him.
Generally when your mate gets loud he is good natured. Everyone gets a laugh. The crowd enjoys him. Of late his quirky humour takes a turn for the worst and he begins to pick on people.
There could be a reason he’s behaving in this manner. The aggression could be masking insecurity. Whatever his motive, he has given you no choice but to sit down and have a serious chat.
Aggression could be masking insecurity. Share on X- Discuss his behaviour. Give him examples of how he is conducting himself. Highlight how he continues to put people on the defensive. This has created physical fights and changes the whole night.
- Question why he is acting out like this.
- Express the urgency of the matter. Inform him that there won’t be too many more incidences of this nature before you avoid going out with him.
Without this discussion a distance will develop between you.
RELATED: How Do You Respond To Challenging Behaviour? Ideas on how to approach a difficult situation before we tackle it head on.
You’re High Maintenance When You Become The Drunk.
Hope you don’t turn your friends into baby sitters.
Your mate constantly gets smashed and messy. Every time you go out, someone has to look after them as they are too drunk to look after themselves.
If you hear another drunken sloppy, ‘I love you’ followed up with a hug; one more time you might push them over.
Security has asked your sozzled friend to leave. That means you have to exit as well. Who will see this drunk to safety?
It has gotten to the point where you no longer want to go out with them as you’ve become a baby sitter. It’s time for the chat.
- This conversation addresses two important issues. Firstly you are not their care taker. Tell them to get their act together. They put you and others off by getting so out of it.
- The second; their drinking maybe a problem. This conversation could be helpful. On the other hand they may tell you to ‘back off’. That certainly won’t be a problem if they continue their drunken ways. They either pull it together or you slowly start to back away from them.
You’re High Maintenance When You Don’t Understand No?
Your mate wants to party. He invites you and a few others out. Everyone says, ‘no’. He won’t accept the answer and becomes rather persuasive about it.
At first it’s funny. However he continues to insist until it becomes uncomfortable.
He goes from nagging and complaining to forceful.
Then he starts to bargain with you all. He brings up all the times he has come through for you. Saying, ‘this one time I want you to do something for me and you say no’.
Now it’s downright ridiculous. You have committed yourself to doing something you did not want to do.
You’re High Maintenance When You Become The Loose Cannon.
Your friend has a reputation for starting fights. You can be at a party enjoying yourself. You hear a commotion. You look over and it’s your mate.
You have to immediately stop what you’re doing to be by his side.
You have no problem backing him up, that’s what mates are for. Every time you go out – he is starting a brawl. It changes the night.
After a punch on, a quick getaway is necessary or you are asked to vacate the premise.
It’s starting to get old real fast. It feels like you no longer go out for a good time but for a fight.
Friends are there for the good and bad times. They like being around you. Yet you become high maintenance when you expect too much from your friends.
You become high maintenance when you expect too much from your friends. Share on XNever hold the attitude of ‘who cares’, they are my friends and should be there for me. This expectation loses its charm at a fast rate.
People will eventually distant themselves from you. In the end it won’t be a tough decision to give up on you. You became hard work. On top of that, it got boring having to carry you.
Should You Change Who You Are Because Others Don’t Like You?
If any of your mates are having a serious discussion with you, it is the time to pay attention. They respect you and are attempting to fix a problem.
Friends are not obligated to you. It is a choice they make to hang out. They can easily go elsewhere for company and entertainment. They maybe questioning whether their friendship with you is worth it. What you do with their view point, will determine whether you have a friendship in the future.
You know you have become high maintenance when:-
- Your friends are tolerating you. You can hear it in their sighs. You know that exhale well enough. You did it right throughout your childhood. When your parents asked something of you, that you didn’t want to do.
- Friends start to make excuses not to hang out as often.
- When your behaviour turns negative, it silences your friends. The tension in the air can be felt.
- Your friends are continually complaining about your behaviour. They are sounding like a nag. If they’re pestering you, what’s your behaviour doing to them?
Ask yourself a few questions.
- Do you value their friendship?
- How will you feel if they no longer want to hang around?
- What is you motivation for creating chaos?
- Is it not easier being amendable?
While it might not be noticeable immediately. When you’re not around others have a great time. When you appear they change. Everyone begins to notice after a while, yourself included.
Your friends have made a choice to hang out with you. But they are not obligated to you in anyway. They can just as easily go elsewhere.
Don’t play your friends like they owe you. Don’t expect them to be around when you take more than you give.
Friends are a wonderful value. They add to our self-esteem and confidence. Sure we can rely on them.
Friends are a wonderful value. They add to our self-esteem and confidence. Sure we can rely on them. Share on XUnforeseen circumstances arise when we socialise, that is a fact. Yet we begin to distance ourselves from those who continue to bring the night to an abrupt end.
High maintenance friends wear us down. They stop the flow of a good time. We get feed up having to extend ourselves for all the wrong reasons.
You no longer have to keep company of a person that makes you watch your back.
Are you high maintenance?
If you enjoyed this post or if you think someone may benefit from the information please share.
Hi Rachel
what a scenario 🙂
I am happy and grateful, not to be in a circle like this 🙂
From experience, I can say, if somebody is this way usually
they do not change with only talking and they always find people
to be with.which are usually short-term friends. this kind of people
only change if there is no other way.
I myself never expect anything. We are responsible for our life.
“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you.”
“We judge others according to our image of
perfection as well, and naturally they fall short of our expectations.” : Miguel Ruiz ,
The Four Agreements. a great book for this subject, I highly recommend reading it.
Thank you for this post. Good to think about
Erika
Hey Erika,
Thanks for your comments.
I agree these scenarios are horrible, especially for those who feel obligated to their friends. When I was younger there were many incidences of this nature around me.
Young people have these friends in their circles and have no idea how to manage them. None of this behaviour represents anyone but the person doing it. However we have a whole lot of young people not taking responsibility for their actions. And the more information out there about these behaviours the better.
Accepting people is one thing, not talking about the subjects is a completely different story all together. I have seen a number of young people feel obligated in situations like this and it is dangerous to say the least. Both the instigator and those backing them up are in need of information.
No we can’t change people, they have to want to change I agree. But you can share information that creates others to think. And that is what my blog is about.
You are right these people are short term friends in our adult lives, but when you grow up with people, there is an element of obligation we feel towards these people. It does not make it wrong or right – it just is. Until be become aware that we make choices about who we have as friends some may feel stuck.
Thank you for the information on the book – I appreciate you taking the time to share.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel
The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it – thankfully i have got great friends in my life. For me friendship is never one-sided, its a give and take relationship. it is a sweet responsibility. If you cannot do anything for a friend then don’t even expect anything.
One of the biggest problems I faced was that I could never say no to my friend. But soon I realized that my professional environment was such that people used to fake friendship. They took undue advantage of my generous nature. so finally with time I realized who are my real friends – those who stand by me in thick and thin.
Friends are there to support you when you are right and also to tell you when you are wrong.
Am really grateful to have some lovely people around me including you.
Thanks for the wonderful post!
Have a nice day!
Hey Sonal,
I agree friendship is one of life’s precious gifts. Someone to lean on but also so they can lean on us when support is required. But also for a laugh, honesty and a few secrets.
The professional sector can be tough when as it is a different beast. We have to learn to be assertive without being pushy. It is a fine balance and one we need to be comfortable with. While we can make sound friendships in the work place, we certainly do have to aware of those who will take advantage of our kind nature. We learn at a fast rate when people are taking far too much. They show us where we need to be come more assertive.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Wonderful post about friendships 🙂
Let me start by saying the nice effort put into adding a lot of images, a good change indeed, and I am sure you’d see the outcome over time.
Coming to the post, I am so glad to be away from such people and not having them in my friends circle, though when we were young and in college, we did have some of such friends in our group and it can become tough to avoid them. One’s got to keep our kids in line and inform them how to handle such people now, as they are in their last year of school and college, otherwise it can be very tough to handle them.
You are right – certain people drag us down and somehow create the negative vibes. So, makes sense to stay away from those and find better ones, unless you learn how to handle them.
I liked the way you gave us examples and also told us how to deal with the situation, which would help a lot of people.
Thanks for sharing it with us. Have a nice weekend 🙂
Hey Harleena,
I too am glad to be away from such people. I remember being in situations that weren’t comfortable but there was an obligation because we had been friends for some time. However we seemed to have drifted a part. As a middle aged woman I feel a sense of relief not having to tolerate circles of people like this.
However I think there is a real need at the moment for young people to made responsible for their actions. It was only yesterday I watching a show on You Tube where a young woman was off her face on ecstasy and she was kissing and hugging a tree. Her pants were down so low I her bottom was on display. Instead of anyone showing concern there were dozens of people watching with their camera’s out filming. That is how I got to watch it. I was so dismayed that not one onlooker was in there to help, every one just watching. I bet once she sobered up she would have been horrified. She needed a friend to help and then some reflection on her behaviour. I thought it was dangerous.
I bet you do everything you can for your kids, but it does not stop the worry because we can’t be around them 24/7. I know we can’t cotton wool them – but I wish we could sometimes.
Thanks for feedback on pics – LOL, I am learning.
Rachel.
You are an incredible story teller Rachel (Have I told you that before?)
I love the way you narrated the different situations.
The point about being a loud mouth is something I have experienced. It also reminded me of Tyler Perry’s movie, ‘Why did I get married’. And I can equally imagine how it will feel to have a firend who doesnt understand the word “NO”. Same person will start complaining that the friends are now running away.
Great post Rachel, kudos
Hey Toby,
Haven’t seen you for a while. I am sure you have been working hard.
I think we have all experienced people who push our limits. We learn by either giving into them or saying no and facing the consequences because they are the type of people who just don’t like other people thinking for themselves. If we give into them, we go along only half in and that never turns out well. So sticking by what you want is really the only way. After the event we get upset with ourselves for not standing our ground.
I can be a little persuasive myself but not to the point where I don’t respect someone else. Thanks for the visit.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hello Rachel,
Loved this post and the images especially the one with the camel. Made me giggle there.
Oh dear! I’ve had those high maintenance friends and to be honest they’re a real pain and I’ve had to let them go.
It’s hard to be around those who constantly expect us to do something for them. Like we owe them our lives. I had this friend who won’t barge in my house anytime. She would never ever inform me about her visit. She invited herself. I tried my best to explain to her indirectly that it wasn’t right to do so. But she would turn a deaf ear and keep doing the same thing.
I got so sick of this erratic behavior that I one day lost my patience, blew up and that was it! Done and dusted and out of my life. Sometimes such people do drive you to your limits. They cross the boundaries you set and it such a NO NO!
I’m truly pleased with my present circle of friends.
We live our own lives. We don’t meet every now and then. We have our own engagements. But when we do meet it’s always amazing. No expectations. Just a healthy friendship. Got to love that, right? 🙂
Thank you for this post Rachel:)
Take care
Hema
Hey Hema,
Good to see you again.
Thanks for sharing your story about the friend who barged in. The first time it happened I bet you were shocked. The second it would have played on your mind and annoyed you. But we all keep it together and try to explain to these people how we feel without being in their face about it. These type of people don’t hear what we saying. The don’t see a polite yet straight forth complaint as a warning. All you want them to do is stop the behaviour without it becoming a big drama. Then because they don’t listen we have tell them in a firm voice and they play the victim. They are temporary friends that is for sure.
It sounds like you have a wonderful group of friends who have their own lives. And that is the way it should be, when you get together you have an amazing time so the next time you see them you look forward to it.
Thanks for comments.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Wow–great insights.Glad I don’t recognize myself in any of these categories.
Helpful information in a form that is easily shareable to others, who may fit into these profiles.
Keep up the great work!
Hey Chanler,
Great to see you again. I think I have been the baby sitter, I have watched my mates start fights and be mouthy. Many moons ago. So I understand when you say glad you don’t recognise yourself in these categories. I find it a relief that I no longer circulate in those circles anymore. High school and my year adult years were filled with these people. Thanks for stopping by.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Rachel, another good article which shows your command on writing and an interesting style of expression. You touch on real-life and human emotions which help one to understand their personality and develop as a more productive and better person.
Keep up the good writing and sharing your thoughts with us. Thanks
Hey Ahmad,
You made my day. Your comment is exactly what I aim for. I detail real life situations in order for all of us (myself included) to better understand how we operate. I am going to add your comments to the collection of information I am gathering on profiling. As per your post. So your very generous feedback has just given me more direction. For that I am grateful.
Can I just say I have my Google Analytics up and running, I have Hemmingway and now have started thinking seriously about profiling and have kept your comments to get the link about the Podcast on Problogger you have suggested. I wanted to share with you the impact your information and meeting you has had on me. Your a Gem full of valuable information.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hey Rachel,
Wow! Love the silly images. You’re letting your sense of humor shine through.
I think we meet everyone for a reason. And whether or not we can see it in the moment, there is always a chance to learn about ourselves through each person.
I believe that it’s important to accept everyone as they are and make choices based on what is best for yourself instead of out of a sense of obligation. Though I can see obligation/loyalty being important from a younger perspective.
Thank God for good friends, hey?!
Take good care,
Jenn
Jenn recently posted…21+ days of joy
Hey Jenn,
Thanks for the feedback about the pics – I am learning the power of their use. So there will be a lot more to come.
I agree we meet everyone for a reason, and one of those reasons maybe to become comfortable with being assertive or self aware or identifying clear boundaries. As adults we certainly get a lot wiser at picking and choosing who we spend our time with. But younger people have to experience these high maintenance people to know good from bad.
Accepting others makes our life better, of course, however expressing ourselves and even attempting to help someone does not mean we are not accepting them. We are reaching out because we care. How we are received whilst in that action can be the telling point of whether a friendship will last or come to an end. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
First let me say well presented article and very valid points. I think all of us has been the friend who was being too needy, if not in these specific fashions, in the wide spectrum of other potential examples. I myself can relate to being “That Guy” for much of my Life unfortunately. And I have to agree that these behaviors in their various manifestations are really insecurities we have within ourselves. The single most freeing and empowering things I have changed is my locus of control. As you pointed out, so well I might add, in the end we need to look inside ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for our own lives and everything in it. Once we take full responsibility for our lives, we can start figuring out how to create the one we want. Great article!!
Hey Robert Fuller,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I love manifestations although sometimes surprised by them. I always see them as repeated lessons presented to us, so that we continue working on ourselves. We create what we need to learn to some extent. Most of the time it is being assertive or learning to know ‘thy self’ a little more.
My needy friends have been very valued in the past, probably in short doses as time as gone on. I am not that good at tolerating neediness. However in saying that I had to learn to step away from certain behaviour and not always get involved in other peoples business or to feel as if I had to be the rescuer. That was my inner need to be validated. Once I recognised this limitation, I got really good at validating myself and stepping back. I was horrified to find that I required validation from others. I turned that around.
Big smile when you talk of ‘That Guy’ – some of your lessons were to say ‘NO’ from what I am reading.
When we grasp what taking full responsibility of our lives mean, it is only then we can excel. I have found some people don’t understand the concept while others require lessons in order to free and empower themselves. We are certainly on our way when we are practicing bettering ourselves.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Thanks for your great comments.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi, Rachel
Loved this post and images.
Friendships are important for us( particular for me who came here as a foreign student). The circle of friends becomes the “family”. As I am looking back, we don’t have many high maintenance friends just a few. A few already enough to cause us headache and problems. We eventually keep them out of our life. It is not worth the time and energy to be around with them.
Your post also provided the yard sticks for me to evaluate ourselves whether I am a high maintenance person for our friends.
will share.
-Stella Chiu
Stella Chiu recently posted…What Kind of Giving can delete your Scarcity Mentality around Money?
Hey Stella,
This response, is late getting back to you and for that I apologise.
I enjoy hearing your story Stella. A brave move leaving everything you know behind, learning a new language and going to a country where English is your second language. I have always thought of those choices as such strong decisions. I agree with you when you say friendship is so important and some people turn into a close group of friends that they could very well could be family.
I never thought of the post being a yard stick to measure our own behaviour. I might go back and do that myself. Thanks for your thoughts and comments.
Rachel.
Hey Rachel,
Fortunately I don’t have people like this around me these days. Reading your article made me realize that I did extricate myself from people like you describe over the years. It’s something that happened without me thinking to much about it.
I remember years ago having a boyfriend who was, I eventually realized, an alcoholic. He was in fact addicted to alcohol as so many alcoholics are, and would not listen to any reason about his drinking habits although he seemed to handle the drink well. I had to sadly end the relationship as I could not watch him any longer. I heard later that he developed epilepsy. So sad because he was such a nice chap when I met him and we became good friends.
Sandy Halliday recently posted…Is The Soup Cleanse Good For Detox & Weight Loss?
Hey Sandy,
I think as we get older we do tend to naturally extricate ourselves from these kinds of people. But when we are younger not having had any experience with this behaviour, confusion can set in. Once we have dealt with a couple of these people we seem to know who is who in the zoo.
Sandy thanks for sharing your story. I bet it was tough for a while. I find it really sad when we have to end relationships because someone we value has one quality that can ruin themselves and anyone they are connected with. I have had a few relationships come to an end because behaviour was so out of order, their other qualities were rather impressive but that one big problem took over.
I now allow people to come in and out of my life. I don’t get attached nor have any expectations. Enjoy the moment rather than predict the future. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel
I am late but I am glad I read this post. First I love the title of the post and you have clearly revealed the power of friendship.
When friendships reaches a high maintenance, hmmm it becomes an issue. I am glad that I value my friendship and I am not a high maintenance for my friends. Though I have come across friends who I sadly had to say goodbye because they were high maintenance and were constantly getting me into trouble.
Thanks for sharing and you certainly have a way with words. Take Care
ikechi recently posted…Do You Really Deserve Anything from the World
Hey Ikechi,
Always good to see you.
Some people were never going to be in our life forever. We all learn this harsh lesson along the way. High maintenance people do reiterate and strengthen our boundaries. What we will and won’t put up with. Where we draw the line. We even get to practice being assertive. We would prefer friendships rather than hardships we do get better at identifying and managing high maintenance.
I would never have thought you would be high maintenance Ikechi. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.