Have you ever felt hurt or defeated by that person who you were so charmed by but they ended up being a fraud. You listened closely and absorbed everything they said and did.
In fact, due to the information you gathered about them, they were your new best friend and boy were they fun. To find out down the track they were a sham. Nothing that came out of their mouth was the truth, everything they did was opposite to what they had to say.
Now you know better and you feel like crap. But should you? You can’t be responsible for the actions of others. How they represented themselves has absolutely nothing to do with you. How could it? You just met them.
Of course you want to believe people at face value. Why should you be questioning someone else’s motives? If you are evaluating whether a person is the ‘real deal’ then you are giving them too much time. But it also indicates that something does not add up and you don’t trust them.
Sure we’re going to be affected by people who lie with a smile on their face. But they damage their own reputation and credibility. It’s not your load to deal with. We have enough friends that give us what we need. We reach out for new connections because we are social beings.
Gullible – They’re not your actions.
Two parties are involved. One person wanted to believe in the other. Yet that individual couldn’t live up to the standard they presented.
It hurts because you soooooooooo wanted them to be what they said they were. They were impressive until you found out they were fake.
Had they been able to live up to the standard of their claims, how exhilarating they would have been.
If their best was showing you their worst, one could feel relieved that they are out of your life. Aren’t you better off having that friend that talks too much, but would be there for you day or night? Rather than this exciting person who presented one way but acted another.
If their best was showing you their worst, one could feel relieved that they are out of your life. Share on XWe should never feel ashamed that people have deceived us or misrepresented themselves. We only entertained the possibility of them being who they said they were.
Sometimes it’s our own actions that are put under the spot light. Then there are other times when we’re oblivious to how we impact others.
Here are some scenarios of when we have expectations of others that we would not do ourselves.
- If you cannot tolerate people being rude to you, then why do you continue being rude?
- If you don’t like to be teased or get defensive when it happens, then don’t do it.
- If you don’t like to be talked about but you gossip about others then you are living a contradictory life.
- If you lie to someone and get found out. Do you apologise or become defiant? How would you feel if you were in the other persons’ shoes?
- Are you satisfied when you see a friend hurt, sad or humiliated – what does it say about you?
OWN your words and actions. Not those of others.
You can throw your litter on the street when nobody is watching, it won’t make one bit of difference. But you did it.
You can watch porn in your room and nobody has to know and nobody really cares. But you do it.
When your words say one thing yet your action say something completely different, you misrepresent yourself.
When your words say one thing yet your action say something completely different, you misrepresent yourself. Share on XBelieving people at face value – They’re not your actions.
I am always impressed by confidence but I do get that mixed up with arrogance who are the big noters. How exciting when you have a story teller who builds themselves up into something spectacular. Of course I want to make contact and have a relationship with them. They appear stimulating and this new kid on the block is different from your other friends.
As time passes, you notice they can talk turkey but you’re often left disappointed. At first you can’t work out what these mixed emotions are. They say things that make you excited, but their actions leave you feeling low. Even when we don’t recognise that these two differ we slowly lose interest because something is not gelling.
Emotions can’t be ignored because we feel them. Words that thrill – send our emotions soaring up into the sky. Actions that are opposite, have our feelings coming directly back down to earth like a rocket going in the wrong direction, plummeting through the ground. It is impossible for people to ignore how you make them feel.
This is a warning sign that something is not right. Confusion sets in, to a point where doubt and suspicion grow. This sort of behaviour ruins relationships as people can’t accept such extreme highs and lows. Dynamic words and shallow actions don’t mix.
They say trust nobody. Just because you enjoy someone does not mean you have put all your faith into them. You really do want others to live up to who they say they are.
We have to love and appreciate ourselves.
I am a consequences person. Before I act I am forever weighing up the pros and cons of a situation because my life is all about me. Others may think it’s about them. I don’t feel this is selfish, I don’t feel I rip myself or others off. But I know my motivations are for me first then others.
We serve others because:-
- we want to, but it feels good,
- our bonds become stronger,
- our actions are acknowledged,
- it has the potential to create an income.
There are many benefits, when we serve others. It’s a reciprocated action. To give is to receive. This is not selfish. If we had other people’s best interests at heart first we would be ignoring our own needs.
When I do something for someone else, I give it 100% attention. Not because I want to stand out, not because I want to beat others, because I love how I represent myself. I don’t need an audience. I do it because I like everything that has my name attached to it, done with pride and joy of the job.
How to know when change is necessary?
Is your behaviour up to your OWN standards? We are all blind to some of our own actions. I am forever fine-tuning how I go about life and respond to the world. How I represent myself is what gives me confidence, self-assurance and the ability to live through adversity.
A phrase I constantly used on Twitter was ‘interesting time line’. I’m trying to say that I am drawn to your time line. We don’t get enough words to go into detail. When another individual sent me the same line, I immediately cut it out of my approach as I read it as ambiguous. The world shows me where I may need to tweak things.
Empathy.
Understanding how someone feels by placing yourself in their situation.
A close friend is saddened by a person who has died. We do not know the deceased. Yet we understand how it feels when someone close to us passes over. We feel for our friend who is hurting.
We have all been in a situation where we have felt jealous. It is a natural reaction. It raises strong and raw emotions in us. How do you feel when you know someone else is jealous? Do you relish in the idea, feel smug and a sense of satisfaction? OR Do you want them to get through it as best they can because you understand how unbalanced this emotion can be?
Never deny your negatives feelings. But do explore the reaction.
Our emotions are real and we should remain true to them. They show us where work is required. Surely you want to examine why you would feel a little happy that your mate is feeling upset.
It is okay to secretly feel this, as it’s real. But now you are aware of it, something must be done. You are no longer ignorant to your feelings. You need to examine the causes, about why you feel happy at someone else’s misfortune.
Your mind is the judge and jury.
You can justify all your feeling and thoughts with excuses or reasons to explain your behaviour. But you can never escape your own mind. It does not matter if nobody else knows what your thinking or whether you can get away with it. You will always know. There is no person you need to justify yourself to, outside of yourself.
Yet if you believe in your words and actions, and are proud of how you represent yourself then you get to stand with your head held high. Approval, acceptance and support are not required but are welcomed.
Think about Lance Armstrong – 7 year champion on the Tour de France. Stripped of all his medals for admitting to doping. If you watch his interviews you will notice that he does not feel guilty about these actions.
From the information gathered in the Armstrong cycling era, you either doped or you got left behind. There was an in house code of silence (cycling culture) and doping was acceptable competitive behaviour. Yet those were the years, when many cyclists were caught and disqualified for doping.
Armstrong admitted that he broke the rules and still he shows no signs of remorse. He is okay with his actions. This lesson highlights he believed in what he was doing, regardless of the rules.
Yet we know Armstrong ripped himself off! Due to his competitive nature. He would not have appreciated someone else being capable of doing what he did and getting away with what he had. Could you imagine Armstrong not having an opportunity to win seven years running?
This demonstrates, that it’s not the rules that determine what’s wrong or right. When people mirror our actions and our response is a negative reaction; that’s when we recognise that our own conduct requires examination and possibly change. This is how we measure our own performance.
The group think.
A bunch of you behave in a manner that does not present the group in a good light. You do what every one else is doing. You’re not thinking about it. Yet if the same reaction was to be aimed at you, it would feel worse than uncomfortable. Never follow socially acceptable behaviour if you would be affected negatively.
Do you expect others to make allowances for your actions? When you would not appreciate those same actions aimed at you. Are you not asking too much of others but expecting so little of yourself? Is that not backwards? Should it not be the other way around?
Maintaining a high standard of your own representation and lower your expectation of others. We rely on ourselves and enjoy others for who they are not what we want them to be.
We all live contradictory lives with some of our actions out of whack; yet we have a lifetime to make them right.
That’s how we start to develop. Our external world creates situations that make us respond internally. We can use these two as guides to better ourselves.
Live by example, live with purpose. Don’t be afraid to want to love and trust people for who they are. Acknowledge some may hurt you. Especially those who are well practiced at showing a sincere face, yet are nothing short of frauds. Never feel they have gotten the better of you. They have denied themselves an opportunity to make a connection.
It’s time to embrace who we are as individuals so we show the world that it is okay to be genuine and authentic. We want to see people in a wonderful light that they themselves presented.
It’s time to be accountable. Work at making your words and actions the same. That’s power!
Living a life like this is not easy, as we miss out on things we have grown to indulge in. Basking in the pain of others, gossiping and being sneaky. These traits wear us down by our own lack of intention. But real, now that’s something special, it’s rare, it gets kicked around, however you can never rub the shine from a genie bottle because it is made of pure gold.
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What a thought-provoking post Rachel and I agree with everything you said here.
I’ve had a couple people in my life who turned out to be nothing like they appeared to be. On the surface they were as sweet as can be but their true colors came out. And while my first reaction is to confront them, I chose to take the high road and just slowly push them out of my life and move on without bitteness or hate.
I want to be surrounded by people who will be a positive influence in my life, not who will be gossiping behind my back or back stabbing me. It’s not shame on me but shame on them. They can live in their negative energy but I want nothing to do with it.
You’ve made some strong points here Rachel. Thanks so much for taking the time to put this together.
Have a great day and week!
Cori
Hey Cori,
Thanks for your wonderful comments. For years those friends you talk about (I had them too) used to confuse me. I could never put into words what was going on but I felt such strong emotions.
As we get older we value quality friendships not a quantity. And surrounding ourselves with positive people keeps us motivated and positive. Creating our own nurtured environments. We care about these friendships because we appreciate them.
I promised myself that when I started this blog that I would not avoid the tough issues but attempt to share them with knowledge and as much diplomacy as I could possibly muster. I wanted to talk about stuff that we sometimes don’t recognise – I am far from a saint, but I work on how I present myself all the time because I value that and I know people like yourself do to.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
This is an interesting and thought-provoking post.
I tend to move away from negative relationships too and that may or may not involve a confrontation. For me it depends on what the other person is doing, how much it affects me and whether I want to invest the time and energy in the discussion.
I think it’s also quite liberating to know that you are only responsible for your own behaviour. It’s not possible to avoid some people and, unlike the insincere people that Rachel described above, some people don’t try to hide their thoughts and motives. Rather than getting exasperated each time they show the unhelpful behaviour we have come to expect from them, I’ve found it good to remember that I’m only responsible for my actions and they are responsible for theirs. I have to make sure I behave within the boundaries of my values, but how other people choose to act is their choice at the end of the day. You can try to encourage someone to change, but whether or not they choose to do so is their decision.
Hey Kirsty,
I think of relationships in three ways (there is a poem about this) are you a season, reason or life time. Some people are there for us always, others are only passing through to give or receive a lesson and then there are those that will stay for a bit and be gone without a trace or a hint of any confrontation.
Once I realised that I was only responsible for my own words and actions it did two very clear things for me. One, it took an almighty load off my shoulders and two, it made me very serious about how I handled myself. It was an awakening for me but it took me on a rocky path to get to exactly where I am today. And I could not be more happier with myself, but it was not easy.
I always see peoples behaviour like a dance. You can’t tell them what the next step will be but you can’t be responsible for it either.
Kirsty by the sounds of things you really are aware that people are people and we just have to accept them for who they are but we never have to voluntarily be around them. Work is a different kettle of fish all together, we learn to manage people that are not our favorites. and your comment, ‘I have to be sure I behave within the boundaries of my values’is enjoying who you are and controlling your emotions when things aren’t all that comfortable. Thanks for your comments. Good to see you again.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
This is a post about self-awareness – which I feel is an important component in life.
Every example you discussed about whether we act in the same ways we judge others for are things I have had to look within to discover in myself.
While I do feel that there are some out there who may be void of emotions (and therefore, no sense of understanding of how they impact others and only think about themselves)…for the majority of us, I feel that it’s just a matter of observing ourselves, questioning our own motives and where they come from.
That and a level of care about about how we affect others and our environment.
I had to be willing to witness myself doing the exact same things I used to get upset about when it came from others.
I totally gossiped, only thought about myself and wouldn’t allow people to express their displeasure toward me about anything I did.
The same things I used to get upset over – and here, I did them too.
I realized that love, or at least one way to love, is to allow people to tell you how you affect them.
They may or may not be accurate in their assessment, but at least hear them out. We may find things out about ourselves that we were unwilling or unable to see – which can be a good thing.
Or perhaps we’ll discover the other individual has their own issues and perceives things in a way you didn’t intend, but either way – there is a lot to be gained from it.
It takes a desire to see what takes place outside of our own perspective – which in turn, actually expands that perspective and opens up the door to freedom of mind.
Awesome post Rachel 🙂
Hey Dana,
This is the second time I really identify with you after reading your comments. From what I have read we have had similar paths and learning experiences. The examples you talk of are all areas where I too worked really hard. One of my favorite tools I used when beginning the self development path was looking directly into my eyes in the mirror and thinking about an issue. If I squirmed I had to work on it, if I was amused I got to move onto the next issue. And when you say, ‘I have had to look within to discover in myself’ – oh that makes me excited for the growth you would have had to go through. But it also comes with lots of adjustments in our behavior so I recognie the hard work you have done to overcome these areas. Congratulations.
The best thing about listening to what others have to say about you, is you get to decide whether you agree or not. When I get feedback from others I use another tool – called sifting. It is when I am alone and get to reflect on what someone else has said, I get to agree, disagree and think about it. Just because others have an opinion certainly does not mean I have to agree. I have often come across people who want to tell me who I am – I am okay with that – however I generally find those who want to fix me are the ones that require a lot of self development themselves. Like you say – they may not be accurate in there assessment – but gutsy they wanted to give it ago anyway.
Freedom of the mind – you nailed Dana – that is always what I search for. Thank you so much for your comments. It is very clear you have done a lot of work on yourself and it is always impressive and exciting to see that. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel!
I guess managing friendships is a life long balancing act. We need friends and we need social interactions. Sometimes we just need to know what’s going on, what’s new and where to get something. But when I am thinking who I would turn to when I would be in real need, I would end up with a handful a people only.
I don’t like gossip. It bores me! I usually try to change the topic; but if this is not possible or the gossiping is really mean I try to avoid these people as much as possible.
Thanks so much for all of your thoughts Rachel!
Best, Ilka 🙂
Hey IIka,
Thanks for coming back. My mother often said as I was growing up that you cannot count your friends on one hand. At the time I thought she was delusional (being a kid and all), I had heaps of friends. However now I certainly know what she means. It is not often I ask for help but when I do you can near hear all those who have laid claims to friendship running for the door. There are few we can rely on in times of need. But when you win a whole lot of money that friendship word gets thrown around so easily. As humans we are flawed that is one thing I have learnt along my journey, so I am easy with how people come and go from my life. There are some I wish stayed, others that I wished gone but I don’t decide they decide for themselves – unless it is so far outside of my boundaries that I just can’t sustain the friendship.
Gossip is mediocre behaviour – there is so much more we can talk about. I don’t get caught up in gossip but I do love to hear positive stories. I enjoy when someone is doing well, exceeding their own expectation or even something wonderful has happened. But negativity has a way of seeping into the core of us and I have worked hard not be surrounded by those people. I certainly accept them for who they are but my time is far more valuable than nit picking. Just can’t be around it. I am glad it bores you – that means you are immune to it. Thanks so much for your comments.
Talk soon.
Rachel
I have to tell you the truth, I’ve never had this type of thing happen to me because, in general, I make people earn my trust before I consider them as friends. The closest to this is having a friend who basically has developed mental issues that she hasn’t been able to overcome, thus is only a shell of who she once was. Since she doesn’t really understand her actions I don’t put her in this category.
As Dr. Phil says, we have to teach people how to treat us. Unfortunately, it can take a long time to see if that works… and I’m willing to wait.
Oh yeah, looks like your CommentLuv isn’t working 🙂
Hey Mitch,
I believe this to be your first time at my blog so welcome.
I agree with you about friends. It is about forming bonds that come with trust. However initially we have people come into our lives who are strangers. Your style is some what different to mine and I do like it. I however never expect anything from anybody outside of being themselves. This has lead to discripencies in words and actions. People stay in my life for as long as they like – however if behaviour is constantly under suspicion we gradually drift apart because I don’t care to put an effort in.
I am not a fan of Dr Phil to be honest – I have my boundaries and they are broad, this has lead me to be hurt but it also has bought many joys. Mitch I appreciate your approach and if it works for you regardless of how long it takes to see if it works and you are willing to wait – keep it up.
Thanks for informing of the CommentLuv pluggin, the guy who developed the pluggin comes back from holidays tommorow, I have been waiting a week for him to return so I can make contact. See you over at your site in a day or two.
Rachel.
Hello Rachel,
Hit the nail on the head with this post. Food for thought it is!
I’ve experienced this on several occasions. I easily make friends and down the track many show their true colors and I do end up feeling hurt. But as I grow to better understand myself I realize my expectations to always have around people who are good to me is unrealistic.
I totally agree with this statement of yours, “Maintaining a high standard and lower your expectation of others”.
I’m sure there are people out there who expect me to fit their perception of who I should be, act the way they would like me to…but that won’t happen! Simply because most of us like to stick to who we want to be and believe in ourselves.
We wouldn’t want to be pinned down by expectations. We all like the freedom to choose how we want to behave and what we want to do with our lives.
Then why have high expectations of others? Why can’t we allow people to be themselves? As the saying goes, “Never do unto others what you wouldn’t want done unto you”.
Developing such a mental attitude is tough but it certainly helps us better understand others and avoid getting hurt.
Thank you for this post Rachel. I sure have a lot of work to do in this area:)
I needed this reminder at this stage in my life.
Wish you a lovely weekend:)
Hey Hema,
Welcome back.
I think we all get excited with new found friendships – especially when they stimulate us. We want people to be who they are because that is a thrill. It is okay to feel disappointed. But as long as we know the difference between being hurt because we wanted them to be who they say they are as opposed to feeling guilty, remorse or to blame ourselves for other peoples’ actions.
Hema, it sounds like you have come a long way from where you used to be. I have enjoyed how you have progressed (from some of your posts I have read) it is remarkable. So when people try to hem you in with expectation you would see it coming a mile away because it is what you broke free of.
Still to this day I go back into my ‘people pleaser’ role because that was a natural default of mine – but I never stay there too long because I get annoyed at myself and I am always wanting to ensure that I don’t fall back into habits that suit others but not myself. But as I am human I allow for those days to arise.
I have learnt not to have high expectations of others – but I have grown to love who I am so the standard I keep now is not something I have to try at, it is something I enjoy. But I tell you what it is always a buzz to have little expectation of someone and they surprise you – now that puts a smile on my face.
A stable mental attitude will allow you to see reason and only take responsibility for your own words and actions. I never attempt to avoid hurt – if it happens, so be it – I am resilient and strong enough to get through. It may be that I need the lesson anyway. Thanks for your wonderful comments.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel
Once again, you have a chosen a great topic
I always try to give my best shot in supporting others. I have seen many people who take the credit without mentioning the support from other people. In the beginning, they take out all the information by calling themselves as ‘friends’. After accomplishing their work, they don’t even bother about talking to us.
I connect this thing with your Lance Armstrong example. There is no feeling of remorse on the face of these people.
Thanks Rachel for this lovely post. Have a great Sunday buddy 🙂
Hey Yatin,
Good to see you here.
I agree with you – some people are all about taking. We will come across these people right throughout our lives. Someone who takes credit for the work of others, you will often find have done it to others as well. They use you and when they have no use for you they turn away. But then we have friends that will share our work with others and can’t wait to give us enough praise. These are the people we value and that’s why it feels annoying, painful and we feel cheated because our good friends show up those who have done nothing but take.
I have this done to me many time – but they only get to do it once. And Yatin supporting others is a wonderful and giving gift, we shouldn’t let the few who shame themselves stop us from doing great things for and with others. Thanks for your comments. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hey Rachel,
Oh boy have I ever had someone like that in my life before, my ex-husband. He was such a great actor, my goodness. He kept up the charade until we got back from our honeymoon and then his true colors came out. It wasn’t pleasant either and I felt so betrayed and hurt. How can someone be that deceiving and hurtful.
It took me a while to forgive myself and stop with the blaming. I should have known, I should have seen it, someone should have told me. All those questions you know but we’re not responsible for their actions.
I’ve been much more careful after that as to who I let into my life and believe. I watched someone deceive a close friend of mine and found out he even had a fake name.
I think a lot of that is having to look within ourselves because something must be missing in order to even run into someone like that. We have to all face our own fears.
Wonderful post and I so appreciate you sharing this topic with us Rachel, thank you.
~Adrienne
Hey Adrienne,
Glad to see you.
I always wonder how a Con Artist can keep up the pretense of good behaviour when their natural default is mean and nasty. It always astounds me. But it is is a big indicator that they know better. They present one way because they know it is what is approachable and respectable. Pity they can’t keep it up naturally because that is what we are drawn too. They know the difference between good and bad.
I understand what you are saying when you share – ‘it took me a while to forgive myself and stop with the blaming’. I have been there too many times to want to recall. That is why I could write this post. I no longer take on the actions of others. I am done with thinking I am in anyway responsible for how someone behaves. It is really ridiculous to think I made someone behave a particular way – that is thinking I have way too much power. But it took me many years to get to that way of thinking, but I am so glad I did. And it appears you have too.
I see why you would be guarded after such a horrible experience and your friend coming into contact with an individual who even had a fake identity. That must have been very scary.
I see people as dancers. I can never know what they next step is but I hope for their sake it is memorable in a positive fashion because it will always have me wanting more, but if their next step is a dude I will go in search of the next dancer.
Your honesty always touches my heart Adrienne, thank you.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi, Rachel,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this all important subject. We have many friends throughout our lifetime and learning to deal with folks in a respectful but truthful (and tactful) way is hard, and such a fine line sometimes.
Sometimes distancing ourselves from those who don’t align with our values is the best thing for all concerned. I certainly try to treat others the way I want to be treated, but it’s not always easy, that’s for sure.
I’ve been hurt many times, and it’s okay to not trust them again, but bitterness, resentment and anger only hurts us.
Don’t know how some people sleep at night.
I agree with all that you shared, and appreciate your willingness to cover this. Awesome!
Thanks and hope you’re having a great weekend so far. 🙂
˜Carol
Hey Carol,
Always good to see you.
What I really got from your comments, is that you really do accept people and they way they behave. And by the sounds of things you are not scared to be hurt (certainly not something we set ourselves up for) but don’t carry bitterness, resentment and anger around with you. I too get hurt by people, but I have really taken a look at how I embrace people and I don’t want to change anything about it. Because that would mean I want to have a power over people to behave because I feel a little ill at ease by their behaviour.
You are right some people can push us where we have to exercise extreme discipline over ourselves (not because of them) but because we respect ourselves.
I see a big fire burning. And to keep this fire going there will be people who know it requires work (friends that stick around), then there are those that help with the fire and then leave (those were friends but never staying) and there were others that knew about the fire and how it worked but could not embrace it so they left never to return again.
But Carol I always believe celebrating us as humans is a wonderful joy – so I smile at the complexities we create amongst one another. Thanks for your wonderful feedback.
Rachel.