We all have that friend or relative that continues to talk about the same thing, over and over. They either complain, make excuses or share their dreams. Nothing ever changes but they repeat themselves like it’s a whole new scenario.
Of course they have wonderful traits. Yet the main characteristic that sticks out is the one that keeps you at a distance. It’s asking too much to have to bare another round of what you have heard so many times before. You near cringe when you have to spend time with them.
How do you steer the dreamer, complainer and excuse giver?
Steer The Dreamer.
That person that constantly talks about their dreams but does nothing about it. Whenever they mention this fantasy you feel pained. Having to sit through this conversation yet again. If you feel this way, then it goes without saying that others do too. So how can you assist?
If they are going to put you through another take of their dream, gain control of the conversation. Prepare for it. Come up with strategies to steer the conversation in a different direction.
Motivate the Dreamer into action.
- Ask them, ‘when are you going to put your dream into action?’
- Ask them, ‘what plans have you made so that your dream becomes a reality?’
- You can say, ‘you always talk about this but you never do anything about it. When are you going to take some action’?
- Issue them with an ultimatum. ‘If you are going to say the same thing next time – I don’t want to hear it’.
- Give them a call to action. ‘So the next time we meet, you are going to tell me what progress you have made towards your dream’.
Explain how they can start immediately. Utilising the resources they have at hand. Start a conversation about making decisions, plans and taking action. They don’t need to wait for the right circumstances. Show people that a dream starts with one small step. Encourage them to never give up even when faced with fear.
Steer The Complainer.
The person who constantly whinges. It could be about their partner, a friend or work. This whining could be a learned behaviour. Maybe they enjoy talking about themselves and this is how they lead a conversation.
How Can You Assist These People Move Out Of This Way Of Thinking?
You could point out what they do. Repeat what they have said. Tell them how many times you have heard them say the same thing.
Explain that it is more disappointing that you have not seen any progress. Only constant complaint. Even express concern. Say, ‘are you aware you are always holding yourself back? By staying in this negative way of thinking’?
What about that friend who is living in a bad relationship? They constantly complain but do nothing about it. It’s certainly not up to you to force them out of a situation.
Whenever they begin their grumble, steer the conversation away from the problem. By looking for a solution. This is a far more constructive to their thought processors.
When they put you through another ‘poor me’ session take hold of the conversation. Ask leading questions to assist in opening their minds. They may be blind to what they are doing.
- How do you think you can fix it?
- Have you thought about what you can do, to get through this?
- Are you taking responsibility for your actions?
- Is your partner taking responsibility for their actions?
- Is there a possibility of this relationship getting better?
- Will you continue to want to remain in an unhappy relationship?
There are normally underlying confidence issues. We’ve all heard the excuses that keep people in a poorly kept relationship. It can be scary starting over. Most people find a number of reasons to stay.
But they are not thinking about themselves and their well being. When we continually stay in situations that are not conducive to our mental state of mind, one has to question whether our thought processors are unbalanced.
You have to respect/accept their decision. Although you can diplomatically share your thoughts and concerns.
Another option is showing a person how they communicate. This can actually be beneficial to them. However it takes time and should be done cautiously.
An example: Mary says, “Jack has done it again. He did not come home last night. I am going to leave him if he keeps that up”.
Your response. “Isn’t that what you said last time”?
You repeat this same statement “Isn’t that what you said last time” every time Mary repeats herself. Soon enough she will become exasperated by your reoccurring statement.
When Mary brings it to your attention that you are constantly making that statement. Your response is, “because you continue to complain about Jack without doing anything about it. I am sick of hearing how he hurt’s you and you continue to let him”.
This is nothing more an example of a strategy. How you go about helping your whiny friend is up to you. But don’t allow the both of you to wallow in the cycle of torment Mary is living in.
You can discuss the option of leaving. It becomes lonely, when one person is putting an effort into the relationship for two.
It becomes lonely, when one person is putting an effort into the relationship for two. Share on X
Steer The Excuse Bearer.
That person who has an excuse for everything they don’t do. Mixed with a tone of voice that says they seriously believe their justification.
Someone really needs to show them that their excuses are keeping them in the same spot. Bring it to their attention. Steer the conversation to highlight a few of their behaviours.
- ‘Were you aware that you just made an excuse to not better yourself?’
- ‘Did you know every time you don’t do something you have an excuse that you find acceptable?’
- Express that their ideas are very exciting and then you’re disappointed when you hear their excuse not to go ahead.
Do We Have The Right To Interfere?
They say we should accept the things we can’t change.
What if everyone felt the same way we did? Yet nobody ever spent any time discussing what this person repeatedly does.
If it’s their right to continually bring up the same thing time and time again. It’s our right to share some truths with them. Talk about their repeated conversations. After all we will be seeing them right throughout our life (family, friends of family, work colleagues).
There is a chance you could steer them in the right direction. What happens if you share your perspective and they take action? This could be life changing information.
What happens if you share your perspective and they take action? This could be life changing information. Share on XRather than feeling continually pained by having to listen to their repetition. We can be constructive with the time we spend with them. This is far more productive and beneficial to the both of you.
There will be people who appreciate your concern and how you have given them some honest feedback. However there will be others that will feel insulted by what you have said.
You will automatically know the ones you can assist and the others who you will have to accept for who they are.
Becoming Impatient.
You may decide that you’re going to try to motivate a person into action. You have to expect a response that you had not prepared for.
You do have to listen to that same scenario again. You can’t interrupt and say, “I know what you are going to say and here is my plan”. That won’t work.
You have to listen once again before you proceed with your strategy. Don’t tap your foot, cross your arms over your stomach or snort through your nose. You’ve sat through this before, you can do it again.
All You Can Do Is Make Suggestions.
Don’t think that if everyone listens to you – their life will be better for it. Offering solutions is one thing. Expecting that others take action immediately is another.
If you want to assist in problem solving. The best way to go about it, is by asking questions. Encourage the individual to come up with their own solution. They will handle a situation much better if they see a way through it themselves.
Don’t Be In A Rush.
Don’t expect change immediately. It’s only you who has decided you’re going to try a few new strategies on a person. This does not mean they will appreciate it, accept it or even want your new way of steering them.
You have to be persistent and patient. It’s your decision to try out a new method of communication. At this stage it’s you who is changing. You’re doing nothing more than sharing information.
Don’t Dismiss Their Feelings.
There is a difference between pointing out something they do and dismissing their feelings, values or way of life. If you continually discard how someone is feeling you will lose their interest. They will soon be doing what you do to them. Tolerating you because there is no choice.
In Conclusion.
When you are with the dreamer, complainer or the excuse maker, become the bearer of truth. You have an opportunity to promote growth and change. Share your thoughts on their behaviour when an opportunity for this discussion arises.
Show others how wonderful they are. How they can expect more from life but it does not come without sacrifice and hard work.
You can be the facilitator of change. Motivating people in areas where others just can’t be bothered. Be the example that opens minds and stimulates behaviour development.
You can be the facilitator of change. Motivating people in areas where others just can’t be bothered. Share on XWhat do you do with the dreamer, complainer and the excuse giver? Let me know your answer in the comments section.
Love this post. and honestly, in the first paragraph, THAT PERSON dropped into my mind lol. It is excellent advice that you give, but what helps even more is if they allow their Pastors to “draw them back in” every once in awhile, which is what takes place with the one I am thinking about.
I appreciate the follow on Pinterest and Google+. I will follow your others that I have, and if you would like to trade, we can exchange emails.
I do look forward to reading more from you!
God Bless!
Hey Jason,
Great to be connected. Are you having one of those days where you read more than you write. Yes I have been reading your posts and you have admitted that this could be the case. Thanks for the feedback. I am thrilled that my writing gave you a picture in your mind of a person that requires you love, care and attention.
I bet you find that a lot – drawing people back to in. Some people know that staying the course of prayer is consistency, others will come and go. I have been the later, however my consistency seems to be getting a lot better. Thanks for the visit. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Great advice for managing challenging people, indeed.
Thanks for the guidance!
Hey Chanler,
Welcome back. I am glad you enjoyed the post and took something from it. There are so many people out there that need a gentle push start. And those of us that can do it – need a different conversation. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
HI Rachel
I love this post and you really inspired me with this topic. It is easy to pick a fault and blame people for their weakness but what if you could steer the dreamer, complainer and excuse giver into action plus make them to make a difference.
I agree with your opinion and you are so right. It takes a lot of wisdom to steer such people and there has to be a mix of patience, empathy and positive attitude to achieve such task.
Thanks for sharing this awesome post and thumbs up. Have a wonderful week. Take Care
Hey Ikechi,
Could you imagine if we motivated some of those dreamers, complainers and excuse makers into action. They would be fantastic talking to others and making other peoples dreams come alive. I know when I have spoken to some demotivated people they do get excited when you discuss possibilities. You can hear it in their voice. But they want someone to hold their hand. And when you aren’t around they don’t do anything. That is why we must continue with the motivational dialogue because it may just sink in soon enough. And it is far better than listening to what they have said time and time again.
This is not taking a tough stance, this is actually leading, steering or making use of time we spend with those who are the talkers. Being productive with the time we spend with them is not tough it is practical.
Thanks for your comments. Always a delight to see you. Have a great week.
Rachel.
Rachel, a good post with 3 different personalities explained.
My personal favourites are “dreamers” – I think they are the easiest type to deal with if we can influence them somehow to discipline their thought process and make a start. I believe that this type has a vision or plan but just lack clarity and decisiveness to start and remain on track.
An interesting read and good food for thought, I enjoy reading your articles.
Hey Ahmad,
The dreamers really do come up with some fantastic ideas. We all start there. Some of us are fortunate to be able to action our dreams. Sometimes we only need help those talkers. Others will never want to do anything but talk – these are the people we have to accept. But what if we at least attempted to get people doing what they want to do, not what we want them to do. We know the difference because we have heard it all before. Thanks for your comments. Good to see you. Glad it gave you some food for thought.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Ugh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. It was just earlier today that I felt like I was having the same convo over and over again with a friend.
I like your suggestion about moving the conversation away from the problem when a person is a complainer. I hate to hear people constantly complain about the same things, it drives me mad. And it shocks me that they don’t get tired of complaining about the same thing over and over.
~Lea
Hey Lea,
We all know these people. They can drive us insanely mad. What happens if they don’t know what they do drives us mad? What if nobody ever really gave them enough time and told them the truth. I have always found these people get dealt with. People are polite to them but nobody really listens to them. They do get reputations for repeating themselves. It does require patience and continued effort. Just because we see something in them, does not mean they will be able to make swift changes.
I did get a giggle out of your ‘Ugh’. I so know that ‘Ugh’ myself. While it is funny from afar most of these people do drain of us energy. We really have to watch that. Thanks for your comments (still smiling).
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
How are you?
Yes, around the holidays, it seems we end up encountering all three of these types of people, don’t we?
And hey — nothing wrong with those sorts of people. But sometimes, especially with the complainers, they can be very draining.
I try just to tune it out all… no need to steer them. I work to simply remain secure that their negative or short-sighted outlooks don’t affect me any.
People seem to only truly change their way of thinking if they choose to.
Nice idea for a post!
Brent
PS: I apologize that I haven’t dropped by your blog much lately. I was on the road until mid-November, and it seems that I’ve been playing catch-up since then. If I don’t connect with you again before the holidays, Merry Christmas!
Hey Brent,
Welcome back from holidays. Hope you and your partner enjoyed your time away and feel refreshed and ready for the Christmas celebrations.
It was only this morning that I was reflecting on one of the posts you wrote and how much clearer it was to me today. I too have not been to your blog in a while as I have been running around attempting to take on too much and chasing my tail.
The complainer, dreamer or excuse giver have many more qualities it just is this one character stands out. Brent you have a good system so as these people don’t unburden you with their issues.
I agree people will only change their way when they choose, however some are so unaware that they may not see it. Sometimes giving the steering a go can be surprising. Yes I said sometimes. People can be rather surprising on the odd occasion. But you have your style and I appreciate it. Thanks for the visit.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hey Rachel,
This is a tough one. I know exactly how it feels to listen to people who do this, but if I am to be honest (and I am)…then I will admit that I was one of these people as well.
It had gotten to a point where I grew tired of hearing myself, let alone whether or not anyone else did. I eventually took a step back and observed myself and realized that regardless of what was going on in my life, even when something good happened, I would still find a reason to bitch.
I then realized that I was addicted to complaining – along with being addicted to my own negative emotions.
How’s that for a rude awakening?
So now I can recognize it in others,
What you said about knowing that we can’t expect others to take the advice we give is so true. All we can do is do the best we can to listen, reflect back to them what they’re saying, offer insight into some reasonable action steps…and let them do their thing.
Seeing this in others serves as an excellent reminder of why I’m happy that I caught my own behavior and made changes. They say when you know yourself, you’ll know the world (or something like that). I can attest that this is true.
I appreciate the tips. I do have people in my life that are like this and the additional perspective will be helpful.
Thanks for this 🙂
Dana recently posted…Healthy Holiday Habits – Fitness Talk with Dana Gore and Tom Huffman
Hey Dana,
I am always blown away by your honesty and insightful self awareness. I have to say it gets me excited. I really appreciate the hard work and dedication you have put into yourself. I know you would have faced a lot of your own demons. I can say this as I have done the hard yards myself.
I agree when we know ourselves we see behaviours in others they may not be aware of. We witness this because we have changed our ways and been through many struggles. Educated ourselves in certain areas of behaviour. When I see this in others I become very aware of how far I have come and see the work an individual has to do to come out of that train of thought to break the habit.
Have you ever had someone tell you something and the light switches on. They have said it very casually and it resonates in our mind. We agree and we want to adjust our behaviour because we have seen it. Well that is how I attempt to pass over information. Informally, casually and without making a drama of it. Sometimes it gets through. Other times it may well go over peoples head. We don’t want them to change for us – although it would be a wonderful hearing something different, we do it because we really want them to come out of their own bad habits.
I was like you I was addicted in finding fault in others. Could you imagine it was my weapon, such a horrid way of protecting myself. When I turned that around, it became a fabulous skill as I utilised it to inform and pass over information. I no longer needed that self protection because I was gaining confidence and self esteem. Now it is one of my strongest tools in my kit. We do gain skills from our negative habits and it is like yin and yan, once turned around it can benefit us and others.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
This is a great article. I love all the points you make and it is a great thing to remember when you have communication with those complainers, and excuse makers.
Sandy Mangis recently posted…Why Nobody Listens When I Talk | Shake Off The Dust
Hey Sandy,
Welcome. I have always had empathy for those who are unaware of what they put out. But as I am only human I get a little impatient, so I had to figure out how I would overcome time spent with the complainer and the excuse maker. Thanks for the visit.
Rachel.
I am definitely the dreamer! haha
I have a ton of ideas and get inspired but usually require the help of someone else to get me to sit down, write and think things out and set tangible goals!
Hey 204 Park,
Welcome.
Big smile – The dreamer hey? Head in the clouds, dreaming of all the possibilities. You are a head of most of the dreamers. You are aware of it. Therefore you only have to find strategies to get yourself motivated. When friends come around for coffee, have plans for them. Instead of the usual chat, get them involved in your idea, that way you both get motivated. If that is what you know about yourself. Work with it.
When I stopped smoking, I no longer wanted to sit around drinking coffee with the smokers. I would get them on a walk or we would get more involved with their kids. I would take a nail file and do my nails. I have even taken sowing around and done that while conversing. I have done there dishes, folded clothes, anything to stop me from picking up one of those cigarettes. I was ensure my needs were taken care of.
Thanks for your honesty.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
This is a great post and perfect timing too. Now that the holidays are coming around it’s time to mingle and catch up with relatives, even the ones that talk about the same thing over and over again. I have a couple of those, lol.
You’ve shared some great suggestions on how to handle these personalities. I usually just listen and give me advice and offer a hug to show support. As far as the ones who carry negative energy, I say my hellos but steer clear from them.
Thank you for your great suggestions. I’m going to keep these in mind when I see my relatives in a couple weeks. 🙂
Cori
Corina Ramos recently posted…The Perfect Workout for the Holiday Season
Hey Corina,
Apologies for taking so long to respond.
We are in the season when the rallies gather. We have our favorites, the troubled ones and those that talk too much about the same thing.
We can certainly try new strategies on the dreamers, complainers or the excuse givers. Observe their reaction, there may be room to change.
I have been around the excuse giver long enough to apply some of these strategies. One in particular is so good at excuses and blind to their behaviour that they breeze over my approach with an excuse so confident of themselves. Not once giving it a second thought, their excuse was so valid to them, I nearly fell off my chair.
So I did not try anymore with that person. I would just dominate the conversation with questions attempting to steer them away from that conversation I was so familiar with. My second strategy is attempt humor, try and get us laughing. Just to step away from that conversation. And you know what. It eventually gets to the conversation, they make sure of it. Big smile. In these cases look for the cookies and keep stuffing my mouth. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel
Rachel. This post is well written. I agree that we mustn’t dismiss others feelings. Motivating them would certainly help boost self esteem.
Hey Bola,
Welcome,
I have never found dismissing someones feelings a strength. We certainly don’t have to entertain their constant talk about the same thing. We can take charge of the conversation, see if we have the capacity to feed them information that will motivate and in turn boost their self esteem. Some people may be pleased, however there will be others that are not interested in this type of talk. Once we try we will certainly know where they stand. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
I have so many Dreamer and Complainer friends in my life that at time, I really get irritated with them. The Dreamers are always telling about their fantasies without doing any efforts and Complainer keeps on complaining even about the brighter side of this world. As a friend, I have tried many times to push them for their goals but they are lazy bums. These people love to live in the shallow world made upon their dreams and imagination. They are considered losers in real life. I really feel sad for them. I will share your post with them, Maybe, they will get some inspiration.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful post with us. 🙂
Ana
Hey Ana,
I feel your irritation Ana. Those Dreamers and Complainers can become rather tiresome. When I have to spend time with these people I always attempt to change it around and run the conversation. Other I will hear the same things again.
At least Ana you never gave up on them. Next time you are with them, try different strategies. Some of our obligations ensure we are going to be crossing paths with these people time and time again, so we can just play around with different approaches. If they are not going to change, you can practice sharing different strategies. Use them as a listening board for introducing new ideas.
But you are right there are only so many times that we do attempt to steer them before we see that they are not going to change. Thanks for your honesty and thoughts Ana.
Rachel.
P.S – Sorry for such a late response.
Hi, Rachel
The dreamer, complainer, and excuse maker are all negative people. They can find problem for every solution. In the party, they will destroy the positive mood of the atmosphere. Sometime, it is so bad that it can raise up your blood pressure.
My principle is that, it is not worth it to spend time with that group of people. I will run away from them without hesitation.
Have a successful week ahead!
Stella Chiu
Stella Chiu recently posted…What Kind of Giving can delete your Scarcity Mentality around Money?
Hey Stella,
Thanks for sharing how you feel about the dreamer, complainer and excuse maker. I agree these people have the potential to create a mood at a party. When this happens we have to be bigger. There is something limiting them. We also have to protect our energy around them.
However some are our family members or long term friends of family. Then it is not that easy to run from them. I am a bit like you – once I recognise these people I tend to steer clear of them when possible. If I can’t then I will ensure that I guide the conversation. Mind you I have been know to be absolutely silent because boredom kicks and I just can’t be bothered. I would prefer not the be the later, it means I am allowing them to impact me. Thanks for your comments Stella.
Talk soon.
Rachel.