We all have confident areas in our lives where we would not even consider second guessing ourselves, we do things with efficiency. We go about our daily agenda with little or no doubt about how we manage. No fear here.
How do we live fearlessly in every part of our life? The answer is, prepare and then walk into the cyclone of fear.
Fear is one of our most recognised built in alarm systems. It is one of the easiest of emotions that we can identify; without any confusion.
It gives us little choice but to address it. Because we feel it. If anything you could thank fear for being so dam obvious. But be aware that it can lead us astray and hold us back from life.
First, let’s acknowledge that we all have already faced fear. Even as a child you worried about the monsters living under your bed or concerns that kept you close by mum or dads side. But they were all overcome.
Fear has the capacity to hold you back and make you miserable. The one thing with fear is you can never avoid it because it is too strong a force for you to ignore. Knowing that you may as well do something with it.
The one thing with fear is you can never avoid it because it is too strong a force for you to ignore. Share on X
When fear starts to take up residence in the pit of your stomach or your mind, it is nothing more than the self-sabotage. Attempting to talk you out of stepping into the unknown.
How many times have you faced a difficult situation, hit hard times, stumbled through it, to come out the other end unhinged and satisfied? When you look back on the circumstances, it feels as if they were not even an issue.
Fear has the potential to stop us in a tracks. Now that is not a problem. Fear is allowed to: –
- slow you down,
- stop you for a moment,
- have you running in the opposite direction of where you were initially going.
- You are allowed to dance around fear, look at it and then look away and avoid it.
- You are allowed to acknowledge it exists and throw your hands up in horror and say, ‘not now.’
- There is nothing wrong with feeling afraid.
Fear arrives in the form of dread; physical reactions like breathlessness and makes the heart race, or anticipation, like a bad night’s sleep, sweaty palms and worst case scenario visions.
Family and friends. (The comfort zone).
These are the very people who have our best interest at heart. Some may know us better than we know ourselves. Others have our back and will do almost anything for us as we have built close connections.
We eat together, have fun, have deep talks, support and inspire one another. Some of these people even annoy us and push our patience. However when something is bothering us we reach out to one or two of our connections.
When we have a wonderful story to tell, we can’t wait to get back to our tribes and share this news. Our comfort zone is filled with love, support and encouragement.
Fear and the worst case scenario.
We aren’t immune to embarrassment, humiliation and red faced moments. They leave a sting and a bad memory. Do you think you are the only one that holds these situations in your mind?
We have all been in positions where we wish it had gone a different way. Not one of us is exempt from these feelings.
I’m not attempting to reduce your emotions to nothing. Although I don’t want you to continue to make your own personal movie about life so bothersome.
You lived through the shame of a difficult situation. You’re still kicking and breathing even though you were uncomfortable. You should be doing a victory dance because you got through it.
Okay the war wounds left you a little mentally bruised. You got the full body blown situation hammered in your face. You know you are capable of bouncing back from a situation when it goes wrong. You still live to tell the tail.
I had a whole bunch of fears that I had collected along the path I walked. It appeared that my life was running smoothly (and it was). Yet I was not extending myself. Oh yes, I was brave in the areas where everything seemed to be fine – except I felt something was missing.
Once I realised I was in this safety bubble of comfort – I decided I was going to step outside of this protective shield. I could leave all those people in my circles and go out and explore what fear could do to me.
Sometimes I would return to my circles mentally bruised and battered. Ready to share my story of success or failure with my social supports.
They would listen, coo at the right times and feel shocked and dismayed by my failure. Going back to what made me feel comfortable and safe, made the bad times just a little more bearable.
Whether they recognised it or not, my people would revive me back to full mental capacity. Then I would once again plan to step out of my comfort zone and face my nemesis called fear.
When I was alone I utilised my key tool – reflection. I can’t stress enough how powerful this tool is. It is a way of breaking everything down into smaller components. Highlighting not one major success or fail, but a mixed bag of both.
After I had addressed fear I would take time to replay the situation in my mind. I would dissect the situation piece by piece.
- I would ask myself how the situation started and finished.
- I would ponder on the areas where I thought I had been right and wrong.
- I would take responsibility for my words and actions?
- I would review the reactions of those involved. Although I did not take responsibility for their actions.
A word of caution. This replay button can be damaging if you allow it to take over your mind for long periods of time. Practise disciple over the mind.
If you don’t get a grip on it, it will be your ruler. Tormenting and teasing you worse than the school yard bully who always wanted to have a go. There’s only so many times you can go over the same dilemma. The facts of the matter will not change.
There’s only so many times you can go over the same dilemma. The facts of the matter will not change. Share on XIt is okay to linger in the past, fine to walk down memory lane, however it has no use for the present or the future. Learn how to bring the lessons along without the chaos. The drama now only exists inside of your mind. The scene is over and yet you are still replaying it in your mind.
The scene is over and yet you are still replaying it in your mind. Share on XI always give my brain two days to play an event over and over in my mind. Then I am done. I refuse to give it any more attention than that. I can’t change what is already over.
On strong days I refocus this naggy bit and do something constructive with it. I get annoyed that this voice thinks I want to listen to it.
We already have this discipline installed in us.
When you get caught up in a disagreement that has no substance, you dismiss it immediately and think nothing else of it. It does not have the power to affect you because you deem it as ridiculous. It doesn’t linger in your mind. It has done little in the way of consuming your thought processors. You get on with it.
When we repeatedly go over a difficult situation in our mind we know it has impacted us in some way. This is when we either have to apply mind discipline or utilise this replay to think about our next move in overcoming fear.
Back to me.
Did I like the bruises and battering? Not one bit. But did I feel shaken? Absolutely! I also felt like I had gone into battle with fear and it did not turn out the way I wanted.
Nothing had really changed except for the fact that I had attempted to dance with fear and I lucked out. I felt beaten yet exhilarated but not deterred.
The next time I left my comfort zone I was feeling a little shakier this time. I knew I would feel somewhat out of sorts but I got bored feeling that fear had a power over me.
Regardless of how I felt I was planning my next date with fear. I weighed up all the positives and negatives of the situation. I never know the outcome but I have done enough planning to know what I am about to face.
Quit with the expectation of perfection.
You have weighed up the pros and the cons of the situation. When it is time to take action, do so without the expectation of it, having to be a great result.
Trust that the lesson will present itself. You don’t have to get it right, or wrong. All you have to do is face fear.
Think about when you first started blogging. You accepted that you had a phase of getting to know your way around the systems, making your presence felt and your voice heard. The more you learnt the more you knew you needed to know. Same goes with fear.
We cannot expect ourselves to be the experts when we are starting out. Strip that pressure from your mind immediately.
When I do something new for the first time, I have no expectation of the outcome. I’m thrilled that I am going to face it, regardless of how good or bad I feel.
That’s all I ask of myself. Nothing more. It is a trial run. That is more than enough pressure don’t you think?
The outcome will be the story and the lesson. But the action was facing fear. Now that is something admirable. You took that step outside of your comfort zone. Regardless of the outcome, you did exactly what you set out to do.
What did I learn from fear? It is an illusion. I know this because every time I have extended myself and worked on my fear factors, things got easier. I would repeat what worked and dump what did not. I was always motivated to extinguish it.
History had shown me time and time again, that when I addressed fear, sooner or later I would no longer feel it. Working on it created different skill sets, coping strategies and methods of execution.
The only credit I want to give fear is it alerts me to where I can challenge myself. I acknowledge everything that could possibly go wrong. I then set a date to face this demon called fear. I have no expectations about the outcome.
When I am done I go back to my comfort zone and share my story and use these wonderful people as my mechanism for recovery. With a spot of reflection and the determination to rid of fear, I slowly learnt that being human was about making mistakes and getting on with it.
So what is your process when you recognise fear exists in some part of your life?
Don’t forget to share this post with your tribe.
I think absence of fear is totally absence of life, but letting it control you is dying twice!
thanks for this inspiring post!
Hey Nizeyimana,
Fear certainly has a place in our lives because it does alert us to danger. However I was talking more about fear holding us back. But I truly love what you wrote – ‘letting it control you is dying twice’. I started getting so annoyed with fear that there was no way it was going to continue and that is what motivated me. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
I can certainly relate to this. I used to be terrified of public speaking. As part of my nutrition course years ago I had to give a talk to a few friends and record it so the tutors would know I had completed the task. Talking to friends in my own home was one thing but doing it later to complete strangers in a hall when asked to do so was a different matter. The first occasion did not go well at all and I cringe when I think about it. But, as they say, practice and preparation make perfect. I discovered they were the keys and once I prepared a talk at home and practiced it I was a lot better.
I must admit to being out of practice these days and I am still trying to pluck up the courage to do a webinar. Hard to practice those! What is it they say? Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Hey Sandy,
Public speaking – doesn’t that unbalance us? I actually cut out the public speaking part of this post to use else were. I have always found talking in familiar groups easy, especially sitting down. I don’t know what it is when we stand up and make a speech. This questions has always come to my attention because I feel the difference of sitting and standing so clearly.
That cringe factor you write of, I know so well. I did a talk at high school that I giggled uncontrollably right through until the teacher stopped it. That sits in my mind. And another when one of my friends asked me to read a poem at her wedding. I did a giggle mid way but caught myself and got through. For these very reasons I needed a new memory about public speaking.
I went to Toast Masters and bought a cup that said – an unprepared speaker should be scared. And that always stays with me. The idea of facing people to do a talk unprepared even now makes me feel sick. My motto is never do anything half hearted, there are two disappointments when we don’t succeed. One, we know we did not do enough and two, the possibility that this was a contributing factor for not succeeding will always linger.
Sandy, I challenge you to set a date for a webinar and prepare. You know that when you have worked your best – you will manage whatever happens easier. I am excited that you know where you want to head but are doing a little dance before you act. You know that feeling of exhilaration when you have stared fear in the face.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Good to be back, and over at your blog after long 🙂
Let me firstly congratulate you on the wonderful changes on your blog, which shows you have been on the way to progress from last time, and that in itself is an achievement and a feather in your cap!
Coming to the post – yes, we all have our own set of fears, no one has lived without them. But as I always say and perhaps you read one of my earlier post on the same topic – nothing works better to fight fear than face it, as you mentioned, stare fear in the face. And let me tell you, it does work!
I know it’s not easy for new bloggers to start off and achieve success, and one can understand their initial fears as well. But the ones who overcome this phase are the ones that make it, and they do it just by fighting it out and eventually achieving success. Not to mention the feeling of contention in the end – it’s awesome!
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice, rest of the week 🙂
BTW – I think the CommentLuv plugin isn’t working, so check it out 🙂
Hey Harleena,
Firstly welcome back, your wise words and insights have been missed.
I agree with you the benefits of overcoming fear is the feel good factors. Some of my most valued life lessons have been because I tangoed with fear and also because I failed. If we allow fear to incapacitate us we will never really know what we are made of. And I really enjoy a come back story from the depths of despair – the fighters, the ones that life throws a hard ball and the receiver says, ‘lets play baseball’.
Harleena overcoming the obstacles of blogging has been a mind blowing experience. I still can’t believe how challenged I feel. Never before has anything held my attention for so long – that surprised me no end and the fact that regardless of how annoyed or eager I am to overcome anything that comes my way, five months of blogging has shown me a new will and determination I did not know I have. This concludes that I have found what I love to do.
I appreciate your feedback on my blog. I have a secret – the luv comment pluggin got lost after some other plugging or work on speeding up my blog was done. It is on my to do list to find. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Anyone who says they aren’t fearful of something is lying.
I’ve had my times throughout my life and I’m happy to say that for the most part I’ve faced my fears head on and gotten past them. I still have some though that I have yet to face and I’m not sure if I ever will.
Maybe if that time ever comes that someone asks me to do a specific thing and of course I’m extremely fearful of that I’ll have to make that decision once and for all whether I’m going to continue letting that hold me back or finally move through that too.
I know as I started online I was extremely uncomfortable with so much of what I was told I needed to do. I was slow doing it that’s for sure but finally realized that I’ll never get to where I want to be if I don’t move through the fear and just do it. I did and I’m thrilled to now be where I am today.
Thanks for sharing this with us and I hope you’re having a wonderful day.
~Adrienne
Hey Adrianne,
Firstly welcome.
Part of me thinks, if life did not present itself with challenges it would be all smooth sailing. And that would get dull after a while. When we overcome our fears, the benefits present themselves.
An example is, you facing how uncomfortable you were with the expectations of blogging. Obviously from what you say, your determination to pass through these thoughts and feelings presented wonderful results as a successful blogger. And we really need to acknowledge that these feeling do have the potential to cripple us. So getting through it is a remarkable mile stone.
We have choice and opportunity. When circumstance present themselves to face our fear we get a choice right at that moment to tackle it. That is why I prepare. There are some fears where I miss the first time round. Then I do the reflection and sometimes I am cross with myself but other times it is what ensures that I face it when the next opportunity arises.
I never underestimate the hardship of fear, but I celebrate everyone who has danced with their own personal and professional demons and lived to tell the story. Thank you for the visit and your comments.
Rachel
Rachel, a nice post on a topic which many don’t like to touch.
You are absolutely right, fear is tragic. It stops your growth and does not let you come out of your comfort zone.
And guess what, the success (massive one) sits on the other side of the fears. You have to cross the bridge of fear to find your true potential.
Inspiring post, thanks for a lovely reminder.
Cheers.
Hey Ahmad,
You are so right when you say – you have to cross the bridge of fear to find your true potential.
Fear will always present itself regardless of whether we decide to face it or not. Have you ever been in a situation and not addressed fear for the same circumstance to have been repeated later on down the track. Well that is what fear does, it presents you with countless opportunities. So really when we see it like this we have no choice but to face. Thanks for your comments.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hey Rachel.
I love reading about Fear and how we all have different coping mechinisms.
There are so many fears I have overcome in my life and will have to overcome in the future and I look forward to those times and get a rush of adrenalin what this happens.
Keep up the great work.
thanks
Nathan
Hey Nathan,
Our coping strategies change and develop over time. The more we put them to use the better equipped we are at facing our next challenge. It is great that you investigate your fear factors. I always think it is one of the best qualities in an individual. Overcoming adversity certainly is an adrenalin rush.
Thanks for your comments.
Talk soon.
Rachel
Hi Rachel
Fear is like medicine that has a bad taste but you have to take it because it is the only way to get better. I wish there was a way to get rid of fear each time one lives his comfort zone.
You discussed an important topic. I think that there will always be situations that will make one to be afraid. Sometimes, when I am doing something new, I sometimes fear that I might make a mistake and mess up but when I am done with the task, I ask myself why I was scared in the first place.
As you have brilliantly highlighted, when we remove the pressure of trying to get it right, we embrace fear and use it to learn from our mistakes. As I wrote in a post, it is ok to make a mistake as long as we learn our lesson.
Thanks fro sharing Rachel. You are simple awesome and marvelous. Take Care
Hey Ikechi,
Fear is exactly like medicine (great way of putting it). Ikechi you are certainly not alone when you say – when doing something new there is a fear of mistakes. The best way to rid of this thought is to think back on your own history just so you can examine how far you have come and what approach you took last time. And every blogger has jumped through many hoops – so I have been learning in my last five months. I hear blogger now and I see courage, a strong work ethic and the ability to face many a learning hurdles.
Isn’t reflection a wonderful tool. Before we do something new we worry and after we complete our first couple of steps we give ourselves a stern talk about what was the point of putting ourselves through so much stress.
But the more times we face fear the more we realise we are able to cope in the face of adversity.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
I enjoy your style of writing… it’s always easy to digest, and it reads in such a personable manner!
For me, I don’t experience fear all that often… I’ve come to realize that failures are opportunities to learn, and successes don’t last forever.
I understand that being faced with physical fear of injury, death or pain is a totally different ball game — but that’s something I don’t have a lot of firsthand experience with.
When it comes to making life choices, I generally just jump in with both feet, confident that I’ll be able to handle whatever happens as a result.
Maybe I should start taking bigger risks, huh? 😉
Have a great day,
Brent
Hey Brent,
I enjoy your attitude about jumping in head first and dealing with whatever happens. Great skills set but more importantly confidence. That is the first thing that shines through.
Failure and success are a mixed bag aren’t they and it really depends on our own perspective. What someone else considers failure, you may consider an opportunity or a lesson.
Not having first hand experience with physical fear of injury, death or pain is a really good thing.
I appreciate your feedback on my writing, you have made my day because that was exactly what I was aiming for. So thank you so much for sharing.
Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hello Rachel,
I couldn’t have asked to read a more inspiring than this since my blogging break.
You hit the nail on the head.
I have been practicing my public speaking skills for a little while now. Did you know public speaking is believed to be the second biggest fear after the fear of spiders? Well at the moment I am brushing up on my speaking skills within my comfort zone which is not that scary!
I am planning to start speaking at Colleges and Unis but I fear of making a fool of myself. I feel I will be tight lipped…Nevertheless I think I should “quit the expectation of being perfect” and go all in all in it as I have done in the past couple of years.
Amazingly many things I feared in the past was a making of my own mind. I exaggerated the consequences and very often after doing what I feared most, it turned out to be less scary than I had initially imagined.
I truly admire your way of tackling fear. I will try to adopt this attitude you have towards facing your fear.
As the process I have in place at the moment isn’t ideal. For instance, I am practicing my public speaking skills but I’m procrastinating on actually going out for a speaking engagement by making seemingly valid excuses. I keep telling myself I need to perfect what I want to say.
I don’t know if you believe in the energy of the universe. Yesterday I was contemplating my next step for public speaking and just made a request to the universe to guide me and help me accept this fear of mine. How coincidental is it that I came across your post via Brent Jones mention of this post on Twitter?
The universe came to my rescue via your post. It’s a wake up call. Thank for renewing my belief in myself with such a well written post.
Wishing you a wonderful week. Take care:)
Hema
Hey Hema,
Public speaking sends ripples of fear through all of us in the beginning. Did you know there are many Toastmasters groups all over the world. I know there are many in Melbourne because I had been to several. It is a formal setting where you get to volunteer to speak, where more experienced speakers guide you and give you feedback. I cannot speak highly enough of Toastmasters.
There are many ways making small steps towards getting out and speaking at Universities. For instance, have a dinner party and invite eight to ten of your friends and throughout the night take ten minutes to present something you prepared. I find speaking while standing up very uncomfortable but after a speech is over – the exhilaration you feel is amazing. I even start off a little shaky when I start public speaking. But I always see it like a ballerina. She practices her performance for months with discipline and dedication. And then the one night she gets to perform it is show-time and it is time to show off what she practiced for so long.
When you are public speaking you have prepared and have become an expert in the subject. You may not know about other subjects but the one you are presenting you have knowledge on the subject. Trust you can manage anything about this subject when speaking.
Never underestimate procrastinating. Your mind is at the preparation stage. You will soon be doing your talk. You have bought your fear into the conscious and you will either create an opportunity or one will present it self to you. When I start procrastinating, I know there are not too many steps until there will be action as I get sick of not stepping out of it.
I certainly do believe in the energy of the universe and I feel humbled by your kind words and that this post came to your attention. I really enjoyed your honesty and determination. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
I love how you talk about letting go of the idea of perfection. It’s such a great pep talk.
People end up wasting so much time waiting for everything to be just right. And problem ends up being that it never is so they never start. You’ll always have to learn things along the way so don’t sweat it.
Having done something is better than nothing at all. 🙂
~Lea
Hey Lea,
I agree, too many people waste time waiting for the right moment, myself included. Now I set a date and just do it but I come armed with preparation. There are heaps of reasons why we should not – but there are just as many reasons as to why we should move forward.
Learning can be a scary process for some and if they don’t understand it immediately they deem it, too hard. Yet there is so much proof that learning something new requires patience and persistence. Rather than thinking that is a negative we should use it as a challenge to push further.
It sure is better to have done something rather than nothing. Talk soon.
Rachel.
Hi, Rachel,
Love your article and how you approach a subject that EVERYONE deals with on a regular basis! Well done!
Yes, our family and friends – the comfort zone crew, and I’m blessed to have my family support my online endeavors, that’s for sure. 🙂
The worst case scenario that you describe is so accurate. I mean so what? So what if we are a bit embarrassed or humiliated? It will pass and we will be farther down the path for having broken out of our comfort zone.
As I said in Tor’s guest post comment section, I’m an ex-perfectionist, and have really learned my lesson in this. There is no place for it in my life.
High standards of excellence? Yes! High quality content and value given? You better believe it! But stressing myself over every minute detail for something that is not going to make a big difference, no….No more. 🙂
It’s all a layering process, and we gain confidence as we move forward and increase understanding, and that’s all done by leaving our comfort zone, love the cyclical flow of it all.
Thanks so much for the thought-provoking article, I enjoyed it and will be Spreading the word…
Have a good evening.
˜Carol
Hey Carol,
As I was reading down your post I started getting so excited. You are so right, once we get over being humiliated or embarrassed we then move forward. But generally they are the worst case scenarios aren’t they? I too had to drop the perfectionist attitude. And guess what – phew, I got to relax and enjoy my activities. Wanting everything perfect creates unbelievable amounts of stress and pressure and is time consuming. As time is valuable to us, we could best be allocating it in other areas of our life. So ridding of the perfection has so many benefits.
Where would we be without our family and friends who are our number one supporters and comfort zones. Who has not needed a shoulder to cry on and a friend to share our important highs and successors.
When you talk about the layering process I see it so clearly. I call it baby steps. One solid step after another. And when we fall we don’t crash too far. When we start tackling fear, we get better at it, our confidence is not rattled as often when things don’t go as we hoped they would and we learn how to manage situations rather than reacting.
I enjoy your attitude and also attempt to keep high standards, when I become sloppy I have to stop whatever it is I am doing and wait for to the following day. That is my safety net because I don’t expect myself to be at the top of my game all the time. Thanks for your kinds words. Talk soon.
Rachel.